Water Blogged

Autobiography Sneak Preview...

2006-02-03T12:50:00.000-06:00

Here's a passage from "The Alliterate Autobiography of Andy Ackerby: From Tits to Toilets to Teeny Tiny Tabletops" (coming to bookstores February 18th):

Page 119, paragraph 2:

"Believing them to be better butlers than that bumbling Baxter, I employed many monkeys to mind my mansion and me. Wontedly, they are wonderfully wild, wicked and worthy. But, markedly, the monkeys' manners went missing. Besides constantly climbing like King Kong, darting and diving from drape to drape and openly acting out autoerotic activities, primate poo was forever flung predictably and persistently past me like flurries of funk feeding a frightful fantasy. The stench stunk like a stale cesspool and offensively overwhelmed my olfaction. I was continuously cleaning clods of crap off the carpet. It was enough. In an instant, I intended it to end, but the butlers, sensing their services would soon be superfluous, bowed out before I could boot them from the building. "Bye bye, boys!" I bellowed. "Don't let the door damage your derrieres when you depart!"

That's no way to describe the greatest 80's TV show of all time...

2006-01-13T08:45:00.000-06:00

It's not that this CNN article about David Hasselhoff filing for divorce is all that interesting, I just think that the one sentence description of the TV show "Knight Rider" sounded rather ridiculous and even insulting. In describing Hasselhoff's career, it states:

"He also starred in the 1980s TV series 'Knight Rider', in which his character, Michael Knight, teamed with a talking Pontiac Trans Am sports car to fight crime."

Teamed with a talking car to fight crime? Sure, it's true, but they make it sound like it was nothing but a third-rate kids show! As any red-blooded, Gen X-ish TV connoisseur knows, "Knight Rider" was not a ridiculous show at all. And certainly not a kids show. So I don't know what kind of non-good-TV-recognizing loser wrote that article (probably somebody's loser grandma), but here's how the show should've been described (in one sentence just to be fair):

"He also starred in the kick-ass TV series 'Knight Rider', in which his smooth-talking, leather-clad, non-balding character, Michael Knight, supplemented his superior crime fighting skills with a sleek, jet-black, customized, supercharged, fully-automated, independent, voice-a-matronic, wise-cracking, Darth Vader's bathroom-looking Trans-Am (capable of reaching speeds of 300 mph and leaping 50 feet into the air) named KITT, which stands for "Knight Industries Two Thousand" or "Killing is the Ticket" depending on how you interpret the subtext of the scripts or how you hear the words in the opening theme song when played backwards at 1/3 normal speed."

I should probably be an Associated Press reporter.

More Christmas Trivia 2005...

2005-12-22T10:12:00.000-06:00

by Trudy Joe Johnson (Jimmy's wife)

Hi again, everybody. It's yours "Trudy"! I'm back one last time before Christmas with a little more holiday trivia. So here goes...

As we all know, or at least as the 84% of the population of the United States that's Christian knows, Christmas is a time to celebrate the birth of Santa Claus. But how did this jolly, lovable, severely obese, list-making, list-checking, hard-drinking, slave-driving boss of the elves come to be?

By the way, Jimmy Joe is also a hard-drinking slave driver, but I'd hardly compare him to Santa Clause.

Anyway, one day, circa 280 A.D., God felt that he was being a little too judgmental. So much so that many people were being turned off by the strict boundaries of Christianity and were starting to convert to Unitarianism, the thought of which completely freaked God out. So anyway, the Lord felt it necessary to assign some of the duties of judgment to a less...intimidating being. Somebody people could relate to on a more human level. Somebody they would almost beg to be judged by. It would be a long process taking many hundreds of years to evolve the perfect icon of judgment, so, on December 25, c. 280 A.D., God began the process and made a Turkish monk named St. Nicholas. Nick lived life by giving away all of his inherited wealth and traveling the countryside helping the poor and sick. These legends of altruism came to America in 1773 as the Dutch gathered to honor the anniversary of the death St. Nicholas. They nicknamed him Sinter Klaas. This Dutch story was reported in New York newspapers and, by 1804, wood carvings of St. Nicholas were distributed by the New York Historical Society that depicted the now-familiar Santa Claus images including stockings filled with toys and fruit hung over a fireplace. The nickname Sinter Klaas gradually evolved into Santa Claus, and the name has stuck in America. The 1822 poem "Twas the Night Before Christmas" helped grow the fantastical story of Santa Claus. The sleigh, the reindeer, the presents for "deserving" children. This, of course, relates now to the idea that Santa is checking on children to see if they are "naughty or nice." He's making of list of the bad ones who will be punished with no reward, and a list of the good ones who will be greatly rewarded, thus drawing parallels to casting souls into either heaven or hell. Children all over the world would do good deeds to make sure that Santa would give them good presents. And parents would lead by example. This is exactly what God had planned hundreds of years earlier. An icon other than him that would judge people and cause them to do good deeds, yet would not intimidate them so much that they would turn away from the church.

Makes you think, huh? Well, be good, everyone! God and Santa are watching. Merry Christmas (to 84% of you) and Happy Holidays (to all)!

Christmas Trivia 2005

2005-12-16T10:09:00.000-06:00

by Trudy Joe Johnson (Jimmy's wife)

Well, it’s that time of the year when yours truly, Trudy Joe Johnson, (or should I say "yours Trudy"?) shares a little bit of Christmas joy via my vast knowledge of all things Christmas. Today I reach way down to the bottom of my magic sack of trivial goodies to discover the origins of the Christmas tree itself. Believe it or not, it’s “roots” (ha ha) date all the way back to the ancient Egyptians!

By the way, Jimmy Joe has a magic sack, too. It's fuzzy and changes shape depending on the temperature.

The Egyptians were part of a long line of cultures that treasured and worshipped evergreens. When the winter solstice arrived, they brought green date palm leaves into their homes to symbolize life's triumph over death. In the end, however, death would prevail. Life is fleeting, but death…death is imminent. Death is the great equalizer. Death will ALWAYS win. I ask you, what’s the point of living if we’re just going to die anyway? Someday I'll die, and I'll take Jimmy Joe with me.

Anyway, the Romans also celebrated the winter solstice with a fest called Saturnalia in honor of Saturnus, the god of agriculture. They decorated their houses with greens and lights and exchanged gifts. Then they threw slaves and unpopular gladiators to the lions to appease Saturnus even though Saturnus didn’t really care for slaves that much. He preferred virgins. Young ones. And lots of them.

Also, centuries ago in Great Britain, woods priests called Druids used evergreens during mysterious winter solstice rituals. The Druids used holly and mistletoe as symbols of eternal life, and placed evergreen branches over doors to keep away evil spirits. What the somewhat dimwitted, oafish Druids failed to realize was the obvious fact that evil spirits can simply walk through walls thereby avoiding the protective evergreen branches in the doorways. Silly Druids!

Late in the Middle Ages, Germans and Scandinavians placed evergreen trees inside their homes or just outside their doors to show their hope in the forthcoming Spring. And from these early traditions, our modern Christmas tree evolved into what it is today. A stunted, unnaturally trimmed, over-fertilized pesticide sponge decorated with lead-based tinsel and secular symbols of affluence and capitalism. A Merry Christmas indeed.

Bye, everybody! I'll try and share more Christmas trivia later before the "big day" arrives!

Dear Christmas,

2005-11-18T12:39:00.000-06:00

Please stop horning in on my holiday. You are annoying the crap out of everyone right now. There's plenty of time for you next month. Just wait for me to do my thing, then the country is yours, you impatient bastard. Notice how I don't go around touting myself during Halloween or Veterans' Day? That's called R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means.

Sincerely,

Thanksgiving

P.S. All Christmas music is lame. Stop playing it so damn much.

P.P.S. You suck.

Ideas for the opening line of a new novel...

2005-11-03T15:38:00.000-06:00

They call it...Monkey Road.

"Hand me my gun, Barbara."

Rose didn't like the idea of anal sex very much, but she did it nonetheless.

Klinklebor wiped the space dust from the Zirconic lenses of his facepiece and knew right away that this would be a long space day.

Usually, stumbling upon an angry bullfrog isn't cause for alarm, but this day would prove to be different.

His face was rough and his bourbon smooth, and his trigger finger could only be described as itchy.

Rose didn't like the idea of double penetration very much, but she did it nonetheless.

Heads turned in the forward church pews as Hubert directed both visible and audible anger at his ill-fitting slacks.

Call me she-male.

"Chop chop, Anoria, we'll be late for tea!" barked Auntie Guenevere.

When soap gets in your eyes, everybody cries - except Gunnery Sergeant Max Flagstone.

As the strengthening sun refracted its brilliance in the dewy grass, a thunderous fart echoed across the Irish countryside.

Rose didn't like the idea of autoerotic asphyxiation very much, but she did it nonetheless.

As his father briefly convulsed, then sighed and exhaled his last breath on that chilly November eve, 9-year-old Henry knew that it would be up to him to save the family funnel cake business from bankruptcy.

Standing in front of a broken urinal, penis in hand, Jenkins couldn't help but laugh at the irony.

The verdict rang out to the packed courtroom like a church bell on Easter Sunday. Guilty, one count, accessory to loitering.

Sister Roberta didn't know why she liked to eat Lucky Charms for breakfast, nor did she care.

It's always hard when a grandparent contracts a venereal disease.

The steady tick of the clock reassured the malignant spirit that time was relentless and knew not of good nor evil.

We all wanted to eat the hampsters, but they were just too difficult to catch.

He was a dark and swarthy knight...

2005-10-21T15:40:00.000-05:00

I really REALLY want to write something that has this as the title. It's too good of a title to not be used somewhere. Unfortunately, I think it could only be used as the title of either a Harlequin romance novel or of a gay pornographic movie.

D-Fense! clap clap D-Fense! clap clap D-Fense!

2005-10-07T11:10:00.000-05:00

*clap clap*

*clap clap*

*clap clap*

*clap clap*

*clap clap*

*clap clap*

Things to do before two new conservative judges are appointed to the Supreme Court...

2005-09-20T15:34:00.000-05:00

If you're a dude, marry, like, 30 dudes.
Have sex with a seedless watermelon. Not sure if this is currently considered illegal under the Constitution, but it might be in the future thanks to conservative judges. By the way, use seedless because nobody wants to know what sort of bizarre creature a half-fruit-humping human, half-watermelon guy would look like. And it might terrorize the solar system. Then George Bush would have to kill it anyway for supporting terror.
Burn a 3-dimensional representation of an out-of-focus picture of the American flag. You'll get your ass kicked if you burn a real flag.
Openly pray for your god only on your own time.
Clone all sorts of shit. Like a shark that's riding on an elephant's back, which happens to be the most dangerous animal on the planet. It just tramples and eats everything it sees*.
Enjoy the unregulated worlds of the internet, cable TV and satellite radio.
Send a petition with 400,000 signatures to Washington demanding the nomination of Judge Reinhold for Supreme Court Justice. Mainly because his first name is already Judge, which would make for an easy transition, but also because he got to make out with Phoebe Cates in Fast Times. She's so hot...
To prepare for the new regime of Justices, start drawing a picture of Judge John Roberts in the dictionary next to the words "stiff", "robot", "lame" and "poopy." I assume poopy is in the dictionary. If not, write it in. Here's the definitions: Adjective, pronounced poo'-pee, 1) Stained with poop. Example: How did my nose get so poopy? Well, that's the last time I do THAT with the wife. 2) Characterized by a general dislike. Example: This Broadway musical is both gay and poopy. Let's leave. 3) Judge John Roberts (see picture).
Help scientists dispose of embryonic stem cells by holding the garbage bag open for them.
Oh, and what about the whole abortion thing? I wouldn't touch that issue with a 18-inch coat hanger. Peoples is crazy about that shit.

* Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy, c. 1990.

I got a blogger on my finger and I can't get it off...

2005-09-12T13:32:00.000-05:00

Look, I understand that in the past few weeks I haven't been posting very often. Or even at all. It's just that I've discovered recently that not only do I have something called "a job", but also something called "a life outside of blogging." It has never been my goal to be a career blogger. I just wanted to share my occasional brain vomit with everyone. To be honest, I'm disgusted to even associate myself with bloggers. Bloggers are fucking retarded if I may be so blunt. They think that people care what they have to say. NOBODY cares what a blogger has to say. That's because almost all blogs are beyond boring. I'd rather read the back of a shampoo bottle and contemplate for hours the perpetual nature of the instructions than read the god-awful blogs that are out there. In fact, 99% of bloggers should be repeatedly kicked in the nuts or vagina - or both if hermaphroditic - until they vow never to write another word ever again. Damn hermaphrodites. They can go fuck themselves for all I care. I'm pretty sure I didn't make up that joke. Anyway, it just so happens that the blog format is the easiest way for me to barf up my undigested thoughts about showers, the Food Network, Taco Bell and Captain Kirk, so here I am in the world of blogs. And because I'm such an altruistic bastard, I choose to share my milky white mind discharges with you, the reader. All I ask in return is for your patience and for your gratitude that this blog exists at all.

Believe it or not, though, I know how you feel. I've been waiting more than a month for Maddox to post something to his website. That jerk needs to update already.

By the way, I am working on stories for Water Blogged Tuesday. I just never said which Tuesday.

Here's some stories I'm working on for Water Blogged Tuesday...

2005-09-02T10:33:00.000-05:00

"What's a brother gotta do to get a hurricane named after him?" by Xzibit, hip-hop artist and ride pimper
"These crunchy and delicious Rold Gold® Cheddar Cheese Tiny Twist Pretzels are making me thirsty..."
"The Indians may can call it maize, but I can still see big chunks of it in my stool..."
"Things to do before a new conservative judge is appointed to the Supreme Court..."
"My city has a bigger wiener than your city..."

The Goddess Bunny...

2005-09-01T09:22:00.000-05:00

I'm strangely attracted to the person in this video. There's just something about her. I think it's the umbrella that does it for me.

(Video opens within browser.)

A few more ideas for shows on the Food Network...

2005-08-25T16:15:00.000-05:00

"Diagnosis: Burger" - Medical doctors show their skills at grilling out. The catch? Only surgical tools may be used during food preparation. "Hand me that retractor, nurse, I need to flip this burger. Thanks. And now a little suction please. Great. Oh my God, he's crashing! There's grease everywhere. Hand me a fucking clamp! NOW, damnit! I'm NOT going to lose this burger. Not on my watch!"
"Prognosis: Delicious" - Same show, different title.
"Picnic on the Streets of London" - With all the panic on the streets of London these days, how about a show where people picnic rather than panic? I mean how 'bout it, folks?
"Go Nuts With Donuts" - Show about donuts.
"Dunk'd" - Show about coffee and donuts hosted by Ashton Kucher.
"Pork Me, Baby" - Show about pork.
"$400 a Day" - Instead of $40, Food Network sweetheart Rachel Ray's fat ass goes to a different city each week and tries to eat $400 worth of food in one day. Judging by the way she eats, she shouldn't have a problem.
"Pimp My Rye" - Show about giving standard bread recipes a little kick. Know what I'm sayin'? How does it feel to ya? Roll the Swisher, baby, if it's real to ya. M-dub, three thugs sittin' on deuce deuces. Hennessey and gin mixed with orange and apple juices. Barbecues and a half-ounce. Bounce wit da music. Yo, Daz, throw me a light...

Feel good thought of the day...

2005-08-22T14:35:00.000-05:00

Every mushroom cloud has a Ag-113 lining.

Unfortunately, with a half-life of only 5.37 hours, that silver lining decays relatively quickly to Cd-113. With a half-life of 9.3 million billion years, cadmium-113 is therefore persistent and, if ingested, can induce cancer in the liver and kidneys from the beta particles emitted during radioactive decay.

There is no escape from cadmium-113.

Thanks a lot, NBC. Now I want to hump 16-year-old girls...

2005-08-18T15:33:00.000-05:00

Why must TV tempt me with forbidden fruits? No, I'm not talking about the Sicilian Pizzaberry, the Marijuanabanana, or the Beer Plum. I'm talking about the Miss Teen USA pageant, which was on TV last week. Why was I watching the Miss Teen USA pageant you ask? Shit, I don't know. It was either that or watch "Yes, Dear", "Reba" or "This Week in Foosball (TWIF)." Yes, foosball. Anyway, in this particular pageant, NBC felt the need to parade 16 to 18-year-old girls in bikinis across my television screen. Very frustrating. Very confusing. I mean, I suppose 18 is fine and legal, but society, with all its laws and morals and such, has been telling me since I turned 18 myself not to look at girls younger than 18 in a sexual manner. In the case of the Miss Teen USA pageant, this is utterly impossible. These girls looked friggin' hot to me, but my conscience kept telling me not to look at them in "that way." Very difficult. Very confusing.

The winner of the pageant, who's name escapes me because nobody cares what her name is, is 16-years-old. Friggin' 16. And she's hotter than a Pop-Tart straight out of the toaster. And surely as delicious. See, was that wrong to say? Probably, but I really don't know anymore. Here, see for yourself how hot she is:

Yamahama.

I just don't know what society expects me to think when I look at fully developed yet underage girls like this. Am I suppose to think, "Oh, what a pretty girl. I'll bet she's a good student with a supportive family and will make great contributions to society someday"? I can't think that; it's unreasonable. And it's a beauty pageant for Pete's sake! That means you look at and judge the BODY. And maybe the mind. Maybe. Mostly the body.

It's especially hard when the clearly over-age male host of the pageant introduces the swimsuit competition by saying, "And now the portion of the program that the contestants have been preparing for for months - the swimsuit competition. And guess what, ladies? The guys have been preparing for months for this moment, too. Ha ha ha." Then he gives a sly look like he's ready to pork all the contestants. Well if the damn host of the pageant is drooling over these girls, can I do the same? My only conclusion is yes, I can. The only question is how to justify my ogling and drooling so as not to feel like or look like a creepy old man. I offer this as justification:

Less than a hundred years ago, it was quite common for 16-year-old girls to get married and have children. Heck, a few hundred years ago, 13 and 14-year-old girls were getting married and having children. And society seemed to be fine with this. In the 21st century, all I want to do is look at clothed, possibly bikini-clad, teenagers on a televised beauty pageant. While I'm doing that, I might think sexy thoughts and keep them to myself. I think it's OK to do that.

There, I feel better because I've justified my actions.

Crap, let's face it. That was a creepy justification. TV turned me into a pedophile. Damn it. Thanks a lot, jerks.

Now, if you'll excuse me, TiVo just recorded a bunch of teen sitcoms on the Disney Channel and wants me to watch them. Even TiVo thinks I'm a pedophile. Crap.

Wait, what's that? The age of consent is 16 in this state? Oh. Nevermind.

Oh, no shit? The book was better than the movie? Wow, imagine that. Hey, you know what else? Real butter tastes better than turd butter.

2005-08-05T13:04:00.000-05:00

I'm a big fan of movies. Not a huge fan, just a big fan. It's not like I'm that dude from Dawson's Creek who lived and dreamed movies, all the while refusing to have sex with Katie Holmes and frustrating the hell out of me. Do her already! No? You just want her to lay next to you in your bed fully clothed while you watch "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" for the 40th time? Homo. You should be invading Katie's snatch instead. Loser.

One of my favorite websites is the Internet Movie Database (IMBd.com). It has everything you'd want to know about every movie, actor, director, key grip, best boy, best man, groomsman, bridesmaid and monkey trainer. There's reviews, rankings, filmographies, plot summaries, quotes, refreshments, slot machines, and a female escort service should you require that as you peruse the website at 3:30 in the AM. I often find myself heading directly to the "user comments" section of IMDb after I watch a movie just to see what other people thought of it. These reviews can be filtered to show only reviews of those who loved a movie, or only those that hated it. I typically only read the "hated it" reviews because they're much more interesting. You get the bible thumpers that hate the movie just because it happened to portray nudity, violence, subversion or the occasional monkey rape scene. They'll hate it even if these scenes were integral to the movie. In "Coco Takes a Late Night Stroll in Central Park", the movie would be nothing without the monkey rape scene. That's the whole plot! By the way, Todd Hinski was the monkey trainer for that movie. He did an excellent job.

You also get reviews from people that hated the movie because they didn't understand it. That's a great way to announce to the public that you are too stupid to understand a movie and might want to get that GED ASAP. Others write that they hated a movie even though they turned it off halfway through. Then they'll say, "Somebody please explain this stupid movie to me!" Well if you would've finished watching, it would've made sense, Poindexter! These people are often retarded and just learned how to type with the aid of a Speak & Spell.

My biggest pet peeve is people who write a "hated it" review because the book was better than the movie. Guess what, jerks, the movie will NEVER be better than it's book predecessor. (There's only a few exceptions: Jaws, The Godfather, Shawshank Redemption, The Shining, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, The Princess Bride, Fight Club, and From Justin to Kelly.) They'll write, "I just loved reading 'The Grapes of Wrath', so I was interested in how well the movie followed the book. I found out that the movie screwed up the story completely, and it didn't even end the same way!" Well no duh, people. No duh indeed. It's called "artistic license." It's called "trying to pack a whole book into 120 minutes and shit happens where key elements from the book need to be cut out." That's what it's called. It's also called "we can't make the movie exactly like the book because it would end up being a 22 hour movie." Dummy.

It's fine to hate a movie, but have good reasons for hating it. Judge the movie on its own merits just as you judged the book. Now, if you'll excuse me, I just rented a DVD called "Coco Searches for Her Car Keys in a Dark Parking Lot" and I'm curious what it's about. Later.

A limited time only? F*@$!!

2005-08-04T13:35:00.000-05:00

Taco Bell has stopped serving the Crunchwrap Supreme.

Sons of bitches.

I rolled up to the drive-thru today and found it nowhere on the menu. They've instead replaced it with some sort of vomitous, piece-of-crap Chalupa configuration that nobody will eat. I think it's called the Chunky Puke-a Chalupa. I guess Taco Bell doesn't like to make a lot of money or keep disc-shaped, mess-free, flavor-packed food on the menu that people will eat anytime, anywhere.

Sons of bitches.

Do I have to become like one of these losers that travels around the country following the McRib, Cheddar Melt, or Market Fresh Reuben from city to city? I can't do that. Not for food. I will not travel for the Crunchwrap. I will not travel for the Crunchwrap. Well, maybe to St. Louis, but that's a far as I'll go. Maybe Denver.

Sons of bitches.

You are getting very sleepy...

2005-07-29T13:19:00.000-05:00

This is the funniest animal video ever:

http://www.compfused.com/directlink/440/

(Video opens within browser.)

I've got 200 quatloos on Shatner...

2005-07-28T08:29:00.000-05:00

Set your phasers to fun, everybody, because we're going to talk about death.

We're all fascinated by death. Especially celebrity death. I'm talking dead actors, musicians, political figures, and athletes. Who among us doesn't find it to be absolutely riveting front-page news to read about a Frank Sinatra, George Harrison or Johnny Carson dropping dead just the night before? You open up the paper or log on to CNN.com and see that Rick James died and you think, "Wow, Super Freak is super dead. Amazing."

So which celebrity will be next to cross the river Styx to the gates of Hades? Will Lindsay Lohan starve herself to death? Will Shelley Long bore herself to death? Will one of the Golden Girls finally die? Because Estelle Getty has got to be a well into her 120's by now. Is Conrad Baine from Diff'rent Strokes close to joining Dana Plato in the hereafter? Will gun control advocates finally get their chance to pry a gun from Charlton Heston's cold dead hands? Will Mickey Rooney's 4-foot frame soon be dropped into a 6-foot hole in the ground? What's that? Lady Bird Johnson is still alive?! Well geez, she has to be next, right?

It's all just so exciting to think about. The suspense of finding out who will die next is killing me. Pun intended.

The most recent celebrity death was that of James Doohan a.k.a. Montgomery Scott a.k.a. Mr. Scott a.k.a. Scotty a.k.a. Fatty Boombalatty from the original Star Trek series. And that got me to thinking. There's been two main cast members die now, Dr. McCoy and Scotty, and it's entirely possible that the rest may start to drop like flies rather quickly. So which original Star Trek cast member will be the next to breathe no more? Will it be Uhura, Chekov, Sulu, Kirk, or Spock? After hours of careful consideration, I've finally concluded that it will most likely be William Shatner a.k.a. James T. Kirk a.k.a. Captain Kirk a.k.a. French Kisser of Green-haired Aliens a.k.a. Master...of.......Melodramatics. Here's my reasons why:

1) The guy was born in 1931, which makes him 74 years old. Coincidentally, this just happens to be the average life expectancy of a male human being living in the United States of America. Just as a double-ended vibrator tends to break on the very day the warranty expires, this means that our beloved Bill Shatner is now on borrowed time.

2) His wife drowned in 1999. She was a big time alcoholic and apparently fell into the pool one night while drunk. Usually drinking and swimming at night are a winning combination, but not in this case. At any rate, this had to be an extremely hard, stressful time for Shatner. And stress only leads to premature aging and premature death.

3) Kirk's physical appearance is an excellent indicator of how close he is to transitioning to another plane of existence. Here's a side-by-side comparison of the young and old Shatner to give you an idea of how far from death he was, and how close to death he is:

He looks like he's been attacking pizza pies with the same vigor that he used to attack the Klingon Bird-of-Prey. He looks like he's smuggling a few Tribbles in his cheeks if you know what I mean. He looks like his face has been bombarded by tritium radiation from a warp drive reactor core meltdown. He looks like a few photon torpedoes damaged his shields and beemed them up to the bridge at warp factor 8. OK, I don't know what that means. The point is he's fat and old and ready to die. Want further proof? Let's warp into the future and look at a computer-generated projection of what Shatner will look like within 3 years:

Case closed! This guy can't last much longer. His only hope is that he hosts a telethon of his own to raise money to save himself.

In summary, if I were to put down a wager in some sort of Star Trek death pool, my money would be on Captain Kirk to die next. But I'm a little nervous because I just heard a rumor that S-U-L-U has S-A-R-S. Now, if you'll excuse me, I had some Taco Bell last night and I feel somewhat of an urgency to take a big ol' Shatner. Later.

2005-07-26T08:44:00.000-05:00

I'm giving all my flying fucks away...

2005-07-21T13:39:00.000-05:00

As a single white male living in the United States, there's a lot of supposedly important political issues in this country that I've come to realize don't have any discernible impact on me whatsoever. For instance, all this business I'm hearing nowadays about the Supreme Court and the President's choice for a new Supreme Court justice. After a lot of thought, I've finally decided that it just doesn't matter to me. In fact, I could give a flying fuck about Supreme Court justices. I could take a fuck that was just flying around the room and give it away to whomever wanted it. And I wouldn't even ask for anything in return. I'd say, "Hey, folks, step right up and get your free flying fuck! It's free, I tells ya!" And people would be like, "I'd like a free flying fuck. May I have your flying fuck?" And I'd say, "Well, are you sure? This particular flying fuck is about Supreme Court justices." And they'd reply, "Oh, that's OK. As long as it's free, I'll take any flying fuck." Then I'd give it away.

In fact, I have a lot of flying fucks that I could give. To name a few, I could give a flying fuck about health care, a flying fuck about gay marriage, a flying fuck about abortion rights, a flying fuck about Social Security, a flying fuck about campaign finance reform, a flying fuck about tort reform, a flying fuck about leaking the names of CIA operatives, a flying fuck about the new Pope, a flying fuck about the space shuttle, and I could give a great big flying fuck to some lucky lady about this joke of a war on terror. Hey, flying fucks for everybody!

Hmm, I wonder if I could collect all of my flying fucks in a big bird cage (so they don't fly away) and then put them in a Salvation Army or Goodwill collection box. They could resell the flying fucks for, like, a quarter apiece.

By the way, I should point out here that some people like to keep their fucks. They'll say, "I don't give a fuck about that!" And then they keep their fuck, which seems rather selfish. If people want my shit, though, they're out of luck because I don't give a shit. So maybe I'm not one to talk about selfishness.

Fuck, I'm tired as shit. Later.

Needlessly pointing out Google's minuscule weaknesses...

2005-07-19T21:26:00.000-05:00

Most of the time, the Google search engine is spot on tits, but sometimes it just plain doesn't work. I know, I know, who gives a crap? Nobody. Just bear with me here. You see, I use the image search function of Google quite a bit to search for specific images of silly things like chicken butts or chicken lips or...headless chicken...wieners. But sometimes the results of these image searches are far below par. First, here's an example where Google works well. I was searching for images relating to the phrase "Google boobies" and managed to find this:

Bravo, Google, bravo. But here's some examples where Google doesn't know what the hell it's doing. Today, I searched for "Undercover Grandpa" (with no quotation marks), which is the title of a screenplay I'm thinking about writing (I tend to write the title first, then work off of that. The same way they wrote "How Stella Got Her Groove Back."). I wanted an image that related even the slightest bit to the words "undercover" and "grandpa." Here's the only image that Google could conjure:

Hey, how YOU doin'?

As nice as this picture is, and as much as I'd like to wage a sexy war upon her Milagro beanfield, it has nothing to do with grandpas or being undercover. I mean, she's underdressed by some standards, but not undercover. Later tonight she might be under my covers, but she's not undercover. She's an easy, breezy, beautiful Covergirl, but not an easy, breezy, beautiful UNDERcover girl. Nor a grandpa. Yes, the website is www.undercover.com, but I couldn't find the term "grandpa" anywhere on the site.

Here's another example. I typed in "portable underpants" because I think this would be an important invention for the 21st century, or possibly a good name for my rock band. The only images Google could conjure were GIFs of navigation bars from a tennis website:

...is lame.

In another search, I typed in "tongue depressing" hoping to catch an exciting action shot of a doctor using a tongue depressor. Maybe with the caption, "Dr. Beeper in the act of tongue depressing." This is the only image of note that Google found:

Depressing? Maybe. That's open to interpretation. But I for sure don't see any tongues. Not that I want to. I mean, it's not exactly a pleasant image to think of these two in a hardcore makeout session. Elderly but muscular tongues slithering and chaotically probing for lips, earlobes, teeth and napes. Glistening trails of saliva upon the skin guide the way back home lest the tongue get lost in the passion, which knows no boundaries of age.

Finally, when I typed in "Chunky Lover 53", which is derived from the prefix of Homer Simpson's email address, I got one resulting image of a cropped Google screen that says that there were no pages found containing chunkylover53:

This, needless to say, totally blew my mind, which doesn't handle very well the concepts of irony, circular logic, Mobius strips, multiple universes, dimensions beyond the 4th, or mirrors reflecting each other to infinity. You know, things that make you want to smoke weed. Or things you think about WHILE smoking weed. Or things that you imagine other people are thinking about while THEY'RE smoking weed. I feel like smoking weed. Maybe make s'mores and listen to a few crunchy tunes. Later.

2005-07-18T15:52:00.000-05:00

Please watch this video. It is dope and awesome and not lame.

(Video opens automatically within window. Turn on your speakers.)

This Crunchwrap Supreme must have heroin in it or something...

2005-07-14T12:07:00.000-05:00

Taco Bell must be thinking WAY outside the bun these days because I swear on Conrad Baine himself that they're putting heroin in their new Crunchwrap Supreme. Either that or they've found the perfect combination of meat, cheese, veggies, sour cream and both hard and soft taco shells. Yeah right. I'll stick with the heroin theory.

First, it was McDonald's that decided to put heroin in their McGriddle breakfast sandwiches that debuted a few years ago. I was hooked after the first one, and literally almost crashed my car after taking the first bite. I proceeded to then eat one every single day for the next 6 months. I was hooked bad. But I don't even know why McDonald's felt the need to add heroin to the McGriddle. It's overkill. I mean, maple syrup is infused right there in the pancake. Infusion, everybody! Who can resist that? So the added heroin is just plain cruel. But I finally got over the McGriddle and haven't had one in months. All it took was a few trips to the methadone clinic, an electrolyte flush, a bowel cleansing, and a brain scraping before I was finally clean and sober.

But, alas, now I'm hooked again. Only this time the heroin seems to be embedded somewhere within the confines of a Frisbee-shaped soft shell taco stuffed with warm and crunchy Taco Bell goodness. I don't know what to do! I eat, like, four of these things every day. I can't stop. And they're only $1.79! Hell, I can't afford NOT to buy these things!

Well anyway, I've gotta go to lunch now 'cause I need a fix, baby, and I need it BAD.

By the way, I think I've got a good idea for a Crunchwrap Supreme TV commercial. It'll be like those Reese's peanut butter cup commercials from the 1980's:

Scene: A fat guy eating a Crunchwrap and a heroin addict...eating heroin... accidentally bump into each other on the sidewalk.

Fat guy: "You got heroin in my Crunchwrap!"

Addict: "What the fuck, fatass?! Watch where you're going. You made me spill my shit. Aw shit, fatass! Damn! You got fuckin' Crunchwrap in my heroin!"

Then, with a twinkle and a chime, the food and the narcotic magically combine to form the perfect Mexican-inspired, addictive food-type thing.

Pitch the product.

End scene.

A monkey washing a cat...

2005-07-14T08:41:00.000-05:00

I wish space shuttles had names like monster trucks...

2005-07-13T08:34:00.000-05:00

I watch space shuttle launches to see if they'll explode.

There, I said it. But it's true. It's always been true, and not just since the Columbia disaster. I watch shuttle launches for the same reason people watch a fist fight. Or car racing. Do people REALLY enjoy watching cars go around in a circle? I think not. They want to see some carnage. An 18 car pileup coming out of turn 2. An errant tire bounding over the barrier fence and into the crowd, maiming twelve. A 2000 pound stock car turning end-over-end-over-end-over-end. The driver ejected from the car and into a sea of flames derived from inflammability. As the driver is carted off the track into a waiting ambulance, the only bone in his body that isn't broken, his thumb, signals the crowd by rising upward. What's that you say? Jeff Gordon took the checkered flag and has pulled within 30 points of 2nd place in the point standings? Yawn. Hey, what's say we replay that crash 20 more times?

Comparatively, do people really care about the actual missions of the space shuttle? Do people care that the shuttle will launch or repair another imaging satellite, or deliver food supplies to space station inhabitants, or conduct experiments to determine the effects of weightlessness on circumsized goat penises? People don't care. They just want their daily dose of carnage.

It's human nature.

If NASA wants people to get interested in the space program again like they were in the 60's, they need to embrace and exploit this human nature. During press conferences prior to launch, NASA should express uncertainty every chance that they get. If a reporter asks, "Do you feel confident that the shuttle is safer since the Columbia disaster?", they should respond, "Shoot, we don't know. This space business is dangerous and unpredictable. We're just gonna light this candle and see what happens." In fact, that should be the stock answer to darn near any question thrown at them.

To add to the uncertainty, NASA should throw caution to the wind. Literally. They should launch during inclement weather conditions such as when Hurricane Dennis just rolled by Florida. High winds + solid rocket fuel = edge-of-your seat television.

And would it kill NASA to paint some flames on the shuttle? It obviously already has bitchin' flames shooting out the back on liftoff, but some bitchin' graphics would be a nice touch.

To add to their new tough-guy, rebel, bad boy image, NASA also needs to get rid of those weenie names they've got for the shuttles. Discovery? Atlantis? Endeavour? Boring, boring, and boring. Get some new names similar to monster truck or roller coaster names. Name a shuttle "The Equalizer", "Widowmaker", "Spacezilla", "Asteroid Avenger", "Slick Willy", or "SuperNovasaurus Wrex."

So picture this then. Spacezilla II is poised on the launch pad (Spacezilla I having been lost in a risky 75 degree re-entry maneuver last autumn). Bitchin' flames extend from nose to tail. "Rock You Like a Hurricane" is booming on the outdoor sound system as an actual hurricane roars over Cape Canaveral. The crowd around the launch pad is HUGE. The TV networks are pulling a 45 share. Then, Mission Control announces to the crowd over the loudspeakers, "Are you ready to rock, Orlando? I said are you ready to rock!! Screw the countdown! Let's light this puppy!" Guitars wail. The crowd goes nuts.

What happens next? Nobody knows. And that's the point.

2005-07-11T22:48:00.000-05:00

2005-07-08T18:43:00.000-05:00

More like Olympic Suckball...

2005-07-08T12:59:00.000-05:00

So we learned today that baseball has been tossed out of the Olympic program for the 2012 London Games. Boo hoo? No. No boo hoo. You'll get no protest from me here. I mean, I love baseball, but Olympic baseball is absolute turd. Who wants to watch a bunch of no-name, no-face college kids go out and play bad baseball? Not me. That's why I avoid the College World Series like I would avoid a bucket full of 80-year-old vaginas if I just happened to find them on a street corner. I'd avoid them so much that I wouldn't even point them out to the police. Even if I saw children playing with the bucket, I wouldn't say a word because I'd be too busy avoiding the old vaginas. Just like I avoid amateur baseball.

You see, I want big-time stars on my Olympic baseball team just like we have in Olympic basketball. I want to see A-Rod, Pujols and Clemens. I even want to see Barry Bonds. I HATE Barry Bonds, but damnit, at least he's interesting. I want him to go stand at the plate looking completely uninterested, crank a 600-ft., 3-run oppo jack, walk around the bases, complain that the fans are too racist, then get in a hover-limo and zip off to the airport and fly home. I want to see a Chinese batter charge the mound after getting hit in the helmet, only to have the pitcher, Kyle Farnsworth, get in a 3-point stance and absolutely plow the guy into the ground all the way back to his homeland. Then, I want to see Farnsworth head to the dugout, punch a Gatorade cooler, and cry for an hour. Now THAT'S fun. THAT'S baseball.

Baseball is emotionally unstable players. Baseball is egos the size of Montana. Baseball is players that shove camera men down and break their wide-angle lenses, then apologize a few days later. Baseball is fat guys that can pitch 2 and 1/3 shut-out, middle relief innings after drinking 10 Jägerbombs and 5 Hennessy & Hpnotiq the night before. Baseball is money and greed. Baseball is interesting. Baseball is NOT a bunch of unpaid, amateur, immature losers looking for glory. It's the charisma and sheer skill of professional players that makes me like baseball. These college kids have no skill and no charisma. They're not ready to represent my country in the Olympics. They're losers. Hell, Team USA just lost 7-3 yesterday to Japan. Lookin' good, guys. Can't wait to see you in Beijing in 2008. If you even qualify, that is.

Scratch that...

2005-07-07T14:06:00.000-05:00

It looks like it's now a modified Bert-Ernie yellow-orange combo. The general threat remains at Bert, but the threat for the mass transit portion of the transportation sector is now Ernie. Nice color coded threat system, Homeland Security. Real simple. For Christmas, I'd like to see some red and green. A red Elmo threat for just the artificial Christmas tree portion of the Christmas tree sector combined with a general green Oscar the Grouch threat level. That would mean that artificial trees are gonna get all fucked up and shit.

Er-nie!

2005-07-07T12:50:00.000-05:00

If anything good has come from today's terror attack on London - anything at all - it is that my Terror Alert Level indicator on the right side of the page has finally changed from Bert to Ernie.

But I'm not sure if I ever want to see Elmo.

"Burger, She Wrote"

2005-07-06T08:14:00.000-05:00

I'm perpetually coming up with ideas for new shows on the Food Network. There's "Ready, Steady, Spaghetti", which consists of choosing three people off the street at random who then compete on-the-spot to see who can whip up the best tasting batch of spaghetti the fastest. In the interest of good television, I would make sure that homeless people were often the contestants chosen at "random." There's also "On Your Mark, Get Set, Spaghetti", which is the exact same show. Similar, but different, is "Hasta la Pasta, Oui?", which is a show where Italian food is given a Spanish flair...by French chefs. "Extinction Distinction" is a show where species on the verge of extinction are cooked to perfection by top chefs. Never before seen dishes such as "Elephant Trunk Kabobs with Grape Ape Sauce", "Cheddar Cheetah Fajitas", and "Falafel Chimpizza Pockets" are sure to grace your television screen. When a dish doesn't turn out very good, it will be deemed "extinky." There's another show called "Bake Me a Pie or Make Me a Sandwich" where housewives are first given the choice of baking their husbands a delicious pie or making him an awesome sandwich. Then they make it. And then he eats it to see if it's up to his standards. If the pie or sandwich passes the test, she gets some cash for shopping. If not, well, it could get ugly.

Now I've come up with a show called "Burger, She Wrote", which is none other than Angela Lansbury traveling around to different cities in a quest for the best hamburger. I'm pretty sure the show writes itself. I'm also pretty sure that Angela Lansbury needs work. Unless she's dead.

2005-06-28T18:48:00.000-05:00

Water Blogged has gone on hiatus for retooling. Projected return date: July 5.

- Ed.

Daily Showering Tip #100 (6/21/05)...

2005-06-21T13:42:00.000-05:00

Are you tired of wearing plastic wrap or plastic grocery bags around your ostomy appliance when you take a shower?

Do you forgo showering as often as you would like because of the cost and time it takes to change your ostomy appliance?

Are you stinky because you don't shower as often for fear of damaging your ostomy appliance?

Do small children make fun of you for pooping out of a hole in your abdomen?

Then the Shower Gard* is for you!

Because if you're ostomy appliance gets wet, you're not just F'd in the A, you're also F'd in the O. Ostomy, that is!

*Warning: Of the 4 key areas of the body that require daily cleansing (face, armpits, crotch, asshole) Shower Gard does not allow 2 of those areas to be cleaned - crotch and asshole. Therefore, although Shower Gard guarantees that the ostomy appliance will not get wet, it does not guarantee a successful shower. In conjunction with the shower, the bather may wish to utilize other forms of bathing, such as a sponge bath or whore's bath.

2005-06-21T08:32:00.000-05:00

Joke of the week that starts out good, but the punchline falls flat, then you realize that the joke is pretty funny regardless...

Two employees are hanging out in their office break room. One of them takes off his pants and says, “Hey, it’s casual day!” The other one picks up the pants and walks out saying, “Yeah, good luck with that.”

2005-06-20T14:43:00.000-05:00

Today is supposed to be the 100th Daily Showering Tip, but I'll be damned if I can concentrate this afternoon. Bear with me. In the meantime, here's a picture of a dog cooking dinner:

"I ruv you!"

Daily Showering Tip (6/17/05)...

2005-06-17T14:15:00.000-05:00

SHOWER FACT: Back in the olden days before indoor plumbing, people used to shower out in a small building separate from the main house. The showerhouse. It was sort of like an outhouse for the shower. Most folks just called it the "shouthouse." Actually, that reminds me of a poem:

Crazy Grandpa Eli
Back in nineteen hundred and thirty-three,
Grandpa fought with Grandma
O'er the monthly milk fee.
This put Grandpa in the doghouse,
So he went to the shithouse,
But that's the outhouse to you and me.
After the shithouse,
It was off to the shouthouse,
But that's the showerhouse to you and me.
Cleaned up in the shouthouse,
Then back to the main house
To shoot poor Grandma
O'er the monthly milk fee.
He shot her right in the face,
But was not disgraced.
The fee was not wee.
It was high indeed.
With Grandma away,
There's not much else to say.
It was courthouse to bighouse,
Where Grandpa was deloused.
And passed all his days
Listening to Strauss.
And passed all his days
Licking a mouse.
Crazy Grandpa Eli.

Daily Showering Tip (6/15/05)...

2005-06-15T13:11:00.000-05:00

There are waterproof radios and CD players that can be purchased specifically for use in the shower, and listening to music or talk radio in the shower can be a rather enjoyable experience. But be careful when listening to "Jump Around" by House of Pain. Depending on your gender, you might injure your unrestrained testicles or breasts as they uncontrollably flop and slap and slap and flop about the shower.

2005-06-15T08:43:00.000-05:00

Joke of the week that starts out good, but the punchline falls flat, then you realize that the joke is pretty funny regardless...

Two monkeys are having sex in a car. One turns to the other and says, “Hey, I didn’t know you were gay.” The other one replies, “Hey, I didn’t know I could drive a car.” Then a man walks by and says, “Shut the hell up, you queer talking apes!”

Daily Showering Tip (6/13/05)...

2005-06-13T14:21:00.000-05:00

MacGyver once quickly improvised a shower using a bucket, rope, cheese grater, and duct tape. With the aide of an ingenious cigarette timing device, water flowed through the cheese grater and onto the head of an evil Columbian drug lord just as he was walking beneath the shower. This startling event caused him to drop his gun, which MacGyver quickly seized. Since MacGyver refuses to use a gun, he tossed the gun aside and, after a lengthy fistfight, eventually subdued the drug lord. His arrest indirectly prevented thousands of kilos of highly purified cocaine from entering the United States. To celebrate, MacGyver took a relaxing shower of his own, making sure to apply extra conditioner to his mullet as all mulleteers should.

2005-06-08T12:47:00.000-05:00

There will be no updates until Monday since I'll be out of town. Until then, here's some pictures of people eating giant hamburgers:

2005-06-07T13:14:00.000-05:00

Joke of the week that starts out good, but the punchline falls flat, then you realize that the joke is pretty funny regardless...

“I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” the doctor says. “What’s the bad news?” asks the patient. “The bad news is that you’ve got only three months to live.” The patient is understandably upset and says, “What’s the good news, doc?” The doctor looks at him and says, “I just had sex with your wife.”

Daily Showering Tip (6/6/05)...

2005-06-06T16:13:00.000-05:00

If you love SCUBA diving, but don't have access to a lake or ocean, standing under the shower with your SCUBA gear on is the next best thing to actual diving.

Daily Showering Tip (6/3/05)...

2005-06-03T13:56:00.000-05:00

Cleaning your neck is an essential part of showering. When was the last time you cleaned yours? Are you sure? I'm telling you, don't neglect your neck because here's what happens to those that do:

Daily Showering Tip (6/2/05)...

2005-06-02T02:17:00.000-05:00

There is no need to wash your towel. Provided you wash properly, you're always super clean when you come out of the shower, so why would your towel ever get dirty? It doesn't. Want proof? Take a look at this towel I've been using every day since 1987. Never been washed. Looks clean to me!

Daily Showering Tip (6/1/05)...

2005-06-01T13:19:00.000-05:00

If you're about to take a shower and feel a poop coming on, always poop BEFORE you shower, not after. That way, it's like the pooping never happened. You'll be so fresh. So clean.

Here's a song to help you remember, set to Outkast's "So Fresh, So Clean":

Ain't nobody poops like I do
I'm so fresh, so clean (so fresh and so clean clean)
I take a shower right after I go poop
I'm so fresh, so clean (so fresh and so clean clean).

2005-05-31T13:18:00.000-05:00

Joke of the week that starts out good, but the punchline falls flat, then you realize that the joke is pretty funny regardless...

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots two houses, so he goes up to the first house and sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man masturbating. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says, “What’s up with your neighbors?” And the owner of the house says, “Oh, that’s the Robinson’s. They’re both deaf.”

Daily Showering Tip (5/31/05)...

2005-05-31T13:10:00.000-05:00

SHOWER FACT: Soap scum is a residue of dirt, calcium, iron, and soap left over from the showering process. This is not to be confused with "pope scrum", which is a circular mass of cardinals, arms locked and heads down, in a struggle to gain possession of the papalcy.

Daily Showering Tip (5/27/05)...

2005-05-27T15:59:00.000-05:00

By the time she gets back to the garage after crashing on turn 1, lap 1 of the Indianapolis 500, Danica Patrick will probably be very sweaty and dirty. A bad, filthy little girl. In accordance with Indianapolis 500 non-rule policy document 29B, all hot, female drivers are required to strip off their racing suits and hose themselves down on camera. Take note, Danica. The world will be watching to see that you comply.

By the way, it should be noted that last year, Sarah Fisher started hosing herself down in order to comply with 29B, but was stopped by the committee because she wasn't hot enough. She was ordered to shower at home.

Daily Showering Tip (5/26/05)...

2005-05-26T08:32:00.000-05:00

Cleaning your eyelids is an essential part of showering. When was the last time you cleaned yours? Are you sure? I'm telling you, don't neglect them because here's what happens to those that do:

Daily Showering Tip (5/25/05)...

2005-05-25T15:38:00.000-05:00

"I do my best thinking in the shower." Many people say this, including myself. Albert Einstein said this, too. Rumor has it that he thought of the "Twin Paradox" while showering. The Twin Paradox is an experiment derived from Einstein's relativity theory. It says that if one twin is sent into space at a rate near the speed of light, then returns to earth after 8 years, he will be 2 years younger than the twin that stayed on earth. Well, I feel I've upstaged Einstein with my "Monkey Paradox" that I devised one morning while showering. The Monkey Paradox says that if a monkey flings his feces into space at a rate near the speed of light, when the feces returns 8 years later, it'll be twice as stinky, but only half as flingable.

2005-05-25T09:26:00.001-05:00

Joke of the week that starts out good, but the punchline falls flat, then you realize that the joke is pretty funny regardless...

Two giraffes are screwing a gorilla outside of a bar that a priest walks into. The priest goes up to the bartender and says, “Sir, do you know that you have crazy animals committing sin outside?” And the bartender says, “Is my mother out there again?” The priest looks confused and says, “No.” Then the bartender says, “Oh.” Then they stand in silence for a long, long time. Then the priest says, “Oh, what the hell, give me a damn Schlitz.”

Daily Showering Tip (5/24/05)...

2005-05-24T20:31:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed that the shower curtain has a tendency to blow in and cling to your ankles while you're trying to take a shower? It's an annoying aspect of showering, but why does it happen? Well, there's a simple scientific explanation. You see, as the warm air generated by the hot shower water rises, that air is replaced by cooler air from outside the shower. Because the movement of this cool air is impeded by the shower curtain, the cool air pushes against the curtain and blows it against your ankles. One way to prevent this is to eliminate any temperature differentials between the outside and inside of the shower. In other words, if you heat the bathroom first, there will be no circulation of warm and cool air, and no blowing curtain. Unfortunately, with rising heating costs, you may want to use an alternative solution. The best alternative, I find, is to cut several 6-inch diameter holes throughout the shower curtain so that the cool air can easily pass through. Your bathroom floor will get wet, but your ankles will be unmolested.

Daily Showering Tip (5/23/05)...

2005-05-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

In older homes with less sophisticated plumbing, flushing the toilet will have a dramatic effect on the temperature of the shower. Without warning, the shower will become extremely hot, which usually results in one pissed off bather. Here's a tip to prevent this from ever happening again. Let's say your little shit brother comes in and uses the toilet while you're in the shower. Of course he'll flush and you'll go ballistic. It's revenge time, so here's what you do. First, hook up a hot water line to the toilet. Then, next time he's using the toilet, burst in, grab his little face and plunge it into the toilet water. Now turn the shower on cold and flush the toilet. This will have the opposite effect of making the toilet water extremely hot. And there you have it. He'll have a face full of hot turd water. That'll learn him.

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/20/05)...

2005-05-20T12:51:00.000-05:00

"Myeah, see? Here's a tip, Moses, if you enjoy showering so much, you shouldn't set off to wander the desert for 40 years, see? Myeah! There's not a drop of water in the whole joint, see? Myeah! Where's your showers now, Moses? Where's your showers now! Myeah! I'm gonna stick here with my false idols, see? You can't catch me, copper!" -- Edward G. Robinson as Dathan in "The Ten Commandments"

2005-05-19T09:26:00.000-05:00

Joke of the week that starts out good, but the punchline falls flat, then you realize that the joke is pretty funny regardless...

Three hillbillies are sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly says, “My wife is so dumb, yesterday she bought a brand new stove, and we ain’t even got electricity!” The second hillbilly says, “My wife is stupider than yers. Yesterday she brings home a new washin’ machine, and we ain’t even got runnin' water!” The third hillbilly says, “My wife is even stupider!” They all agreed, having recently met the third hillbilly’s wife.

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/19/05)...

2005-05-19T08:57:00.000-05:00

"Fear is the path to cleanliness. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to fighting. Fighting leads to rolling around in the dirt. Rolling around in the dirt leads to sho-wer-ing." -- Yoda, Jedi Master

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/18/05)...

2005-05-18T12:46:00.000-05:00

"Greetings, American scum. Praise Allah. I speak to you from the black caves of Atawalabiazbara in upper eastern Afghanistan. Don't worry, oil-grubbing fools, this tape was recorded weeks ago. I'm not here now, so forget about dropping your cave-busting nukes, you imperialist dirtbags. Praise Allah. I have been asked by one of your capitalist slaves, Jimmy Joe Johnson, to provide a showering tip for his web log. It is sickening to me that your resource-devouring, money-hungry pig of nation would find the time to worry about bathing when it's that very way of life that directly threatens the fundamental values of...oh screw it. I need to speak truthfully here. I'm dying for a shower. I haven't had one in years. There's no such thing as a shower in these stupid, dry, hot, dusty desert caves. I don't even know if I remember how to shower, let alone give a useful showering tip. Oh, how I long for a nice cool shower! A cool shower sure makes you feel good on a hot day. Hey, there's a tip! Oh, who cares. I'm feeling blue. Leave me to my sorrows. Praise Allah." -- Osama bin Laden, terrorist

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/17/05)...

2005-05-17T13:35:00.000-05:00

"As the only homosexual to ever play professional baseball, showering with a bunch of straight guys was pretty uncomfortable in the beginning. I had a hard time not staring, which made everyone else uncomfortable, too. So let me give you a tip. If you find yourself in this situation, do what I did and just go ahead and act on those gay urges and hit on your teammates. Chances are they'll probably let you do whatever you want to them in the shower because they know it'll help build team unity, which translates to wins out on the field of play. But you know, it's ironic. I won't go into details, but although I'm a catcher on the field, I'm definitely a pitcher in the shower." -- Mike Piazza, New York Mets

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/16/05)...

2005-05-16T09:17:00.000-05:00

"As the only heterosexual to ever play women's softball, showering with a bunch of lesbians was pretty scary and uncomfortable in the beginning. It was almost like I could feel their eyes on me. Leering, scanning, probing. So let me give you a tip. If you find yourself in this situation, do what I did and just go ahead and submit to the lesbians' sexual advances. Let them do whatever they want to you. It keeps them happy and helps build team unity, which translates to wins out on the field of play. But you know, it's ironic. I won't go into details, but although I'm a pitcher on the field, I'm definitely a catcher in the shower." -- Jennie Finch, softball pitcher

People won't come, Ray...

2005-05-13T21:15:00.000-05:00

I think it's time for another retro movie review. This time, let's take a look at "Field of Dreams", which I caught on TV the other day. Here's my review. First, in Haiku form:

Baseball dreams come true
On an Iowa cornfield.
This movie still sucked.

Field of Dreams is not a good movie. First of all, the casting is flipping redonkulous, if I may borrow a term coined by Tina Fey on SNL Weekend Update. As we all know, Kevin Costner is a noted lame actor. See "Water World", "Dragonfly", "3000 Miles to Graceland", "For Love of the Game", "The Bodyguard", "Bull Durham" (yes, Bull Durham sucked, get over it) and "The Postman." Not since "The Untouchables" has he made a good movie, and even then he made Eliot Ness seem like an absolute pussy. Anyway, as we all know, he plays Ray Kinsella in the movie: the patriarch, half-farmer, half-ballfield builder, and hearer of whispered, ambiguous phrases. He kidnaps James Earl Ray, who I think shot Lincoln. No, wait, it was James Earl Jones that shot Kennedy. That's it. Anyway, he kidnaps Darth Vader because he wrote an article about baseball or something. The point is that not even the voice of CNN could save this movie. I mean, Roy Jones, Jr. is a good actor. I really respect him. That's my little joke. Of course I mean James Earl Jones. A great actor who's wasted on this turd film. And don't get me started on that red-headed wife of Ray Kinsella's, Amy Madigan. She's not pretty and she makes my skin crawl every time she speaks. She has a grating voice that sounds like she smokes about 3 packs of cigs and a cuban every hour on the hour. I think she originally left a bad taste in my mouth as John Candy's love interest in "Uncle Buck." Did you know that "Uncle Buck" and "Field of Dreams" were made in the same year, 1989? Interesting fact for me to poop on. Anyway, this movie would be WAY better if they would have cast a significantly hotter chick for the role of Annie Kinsella, like Elisabeth Shue or Kim Basinger (pronounced Bass-in-jur).

Hey, here's another sucky thing about "Field of Dreams." How about when Ray's daughter falls 6 feet off the back of the bleachers and takes a header onto some nice hard Iowan soil? Ray stops his wife from calling 911 and just sits there and waits to see if a ballplayer-turned-doctor ghost MIGHT just find the time to come over and lend a hand. In the meantime, the little girl's brain is being deprived of precious oxygen due to a giant hunk of ballpark hot dog jammed into her larnyx. FOR FUCK SAKE, RAY, THIS IS NO TIME TO AID A GHOST ON HIS PATH TO THE AFTERLIFE! SAVE YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER! And then the ballplayer-turned-doctor whacks the kid on the back and the no-longer-hot-but-now-body-temperature dog flies out. Kid fine. Well anyone could have fucking done that! Shit! Thank God the ghost was there to whack my kid on the back and save her life. Phew! Then two minutes later the little girl is smiling and carrying on like she DIDN'T just almost die in the hot Iowa sunshine. Someone needs to teach that kid about the finality of death. Then maybe she'll fear death rather than carry on like life is just a fun game where daddy hears voices and ghosts play baseball. (Interesting side note: the little girl was played by Gaby Hoffman who was also in "Uncle Buck." Methinks I see a pattern here. Let's just thank the good Lord that Macaulay Culkin wasn't cast as some sort of ghost that was left home without parents only to set several crafty booby traps to thwart the attempts of Joe Pesci to steal the family underpants.)

So, at the end of the movie, James Earl Jones and all the ballplayers have disappeared into the corn field abyss to sleep or haunt or roam the night like any ghost would do. Only Ray's ghost dad remains (Another horrible movie, by the way, "Ghost Dad" starring Bill Cosby). Ray and his spooky father play catch while the obligatory movie-ending helicopter camera shot rises up to reveal a redonkulously long line of cars funneling into the Kinsella farm. Now, first of all, where the hell are they all going to park? Second of all, all the ball players are GONE. What are these people going to watch? Ray and his ghost dad play catch? Ghost or no ghost, that would be pretty lame to watch. So these people drop $20 apiece to watch some long overdue father-son bonding. What a ripoff. I could take a family of 4 to a GOOD movie, then feed them all at Popeyes, and STILL come out ahead.

On a sassy scale of 3.7 to 12, I give this movie a 6.5.

P.S. Do you want to see a REAL field of dreams? Here you go:

The Ganja

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/13/05)...

2005-05-13T10:40:00.000-05:00

"Sometimes the force of the water spraying from the shower head literally blows me clear across the other side of the shower. One time I broke a hip. And my hair keeps falling out. And I'm just tired all the time. I can barely stand. Anyway, make sure to hold on tight when showering." -- Calista Flockhart, actress

2005-05-12T20:26:00.000-05:00

Joke of the Week that Nobody Except Me Understands Because I'm Super Smart and Everyone Else Has Limited Powers of Comprehension...

Werner Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am."

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/12/05)...

2005-05-12T20:15:00.000-05:00

(The following celebrity showering tip was submitted posthumously.)

"Hi, friends, I'm certainly glad you could join me today. If you want a fluffy little afro like mine, I recommend using a nice leave-in conditioner. Now let's get back to the fan brush. We'll just load it up with some Van Dyke brown. And now a little Alizarin crimson. There. Now let's put a giant tree trunk right here in the middle of this mountainscape. There we go. A happy little tree. Super." -- Bob Ross, artist, 1942-1995

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/11/05)...

2005-05-11T08:33:00.000-05:00

"'Shower the people you love with love. Show them the way that you feel. Things are gonna work out fine if you only will.' Well that sounded pretty sappy, didn't it? Boy, I have GOT to stop smoking the ganja." -- James Taylor

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/10/05)...

2005-05-10T08:50:00.000-05:00

"Uh, freedom's on the march. We're gonna get these...evil-doers. It's an axis of evil. They hate...freedom and democracy. The American people are...uh...resolute. Hey, what the hell's a showering tip? Condi, help me out here." -- George W. Bush

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/9/05)...

2005-05-09T08:33:00.000-05:00

"If you're brazen enough to shoot 'roids in the shower after a game, at least make sure it's nice and steamy in there so nobody can really make out what you're doing." -- Barry Bonds

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/8/05)...

2005-05-08T20:03:00.000-05:00

"Some people don't like the idea of showering with children. Well what’s wrong with sharing your shower with a child, offering them the place where you bathe and making them feel special? It's the most beautiful thing a person can do in this world." -- Michael Jackson

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/7/05)...

2005-05-07T16:01:00.000-05:00

"Yeah, here's a muthafuckin' showering tip. Make sure you wash ya ass, yo. Spread and scrub, dog, spread and scrub." -- Rapper 50 Cent

Daily Showering Tip (5/6/05)...

2005-05-06T09:07:00.000-05:00

Kids, as much as your stuffed animals might beg for a shower during your daily "make believe" sessions, don't give them one. In reality, they'll just get water logged and eventually mildewed, which will make mommy and daddy mad. So let's practice, kids. Let's say your stuffed monkey, Kookamunga, has just finished "knocking boots" with a Pretty Pretty Princess. Kookamunga will probably say to the princess in a sort of deep, Barry White-type voice, "Oh, Princess Hotpants, I feel so dirty after what we just did. Let's go take a shower together!" That's your cue to put the dolls down, lie down on the couch, and simply imagine what will happen next. That way, everybody's happy.

Daily Showering Tip (5/5/05)

2005-05-05T20:12:00.000-05:00

The universal sign for shower is above. You'll see it at dormitories, at campsites, in laboratories and in whorehouses.

Because whores are dirty.

Daily Showering Tip (5/4/05)...

2005-05-04T14:39:00.000-05:00

SHOWER FACT: The world's largest shower was constructed at the 1998 Burning Man festival in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada. It included over 400 stalls and had the capacity to supply up to 3000 gallons of fresh water per minute. It could potentially bathe up to 25,000 people per day. Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, for the entire duration of the week-long festival, not one stinking hippie bothered to use it.

2005-05-04T08:27:00.000-05:00

Joke of the Week that Nobody Except Me Understands Because I'm Super Smart and Everyone Else Has Limited Powers of Comprehension...

Rene Descartes sits down for lunch at a Parisian restaurant. The waitress asks for his order. He orders a hamburger. The waitress inquires, "Would you like fries with that?" Descartes says, "I think not," ...and instantly disappears. Cogito, ergo sum indeed.

Well, I'm back...

2005-05-03T14:59:00.000-05:00

I live to die another day. I would still like someone to blow up the moon though.

If I die today...

2005-05-03T10:19:00.000-05:00

I'm off to do an inspection in White Trash County. I don't anticipate that I'll survive because, let's face it, it's impossible to explain to Jed Clampett that he can't burn animal parts from his meat packing business in a regular wood-burning furnace. Rather than listen to reason, they usually just try to shoot you. If I don't make it, I ask that my friends please publish my Daily Showering Tips and have them displayed in the Health section of every Borders in the country. They should sell for $8.99 and the proceeds shall go to the development of a hilarious edible cummerbund...for kids. The cummerbund should sell for $14.99 and the proceeds shall go to the development of a cheap way to blow up the moon. The moon does nothing for humans but wreak havoc with it's deadly tides and full-moon crime sprees.

If anyone needs to access my bank accounts, etc., my username and password for everything I do is:

username: buttbuttbutt
password: poopnumber2

I bequeath my computer to the local high school (I deleted all the porn and illegal music last night). I bequeath my Yahtzee score card collection to my brothers to be split up as they see fit. To be fair, the highest scores (875 high game) should probably go to the eldest. Those are worth, like, a lot of money.

In the event that I am "Shiavo'd", please pull the plug or the feeding tube or whatever it is that's keeping me alive. Then cremate me and scatter my ashes on both Pluto and the moon. Then blow up the moon and scatter its ashes on Mars for which to make fertile soil for our pioneering astro-men of the 24th-and-a-half century.

Oh, and I rented a couple DVD's last week. They're due back by midnight.

Daily Showering Tip (5/3/05)...

2005-05-03T08:39:00.000-05:00

Sometimes a drunk person needs to get sober quickly. For instance, an airline pilot who's had too many scotch and sodas at Wing Nutz or Sky Bar. One popular method for quickly sobering up a drunk is to throw them into a cold shower. Unfortunately, just as hot coffee has no real sobering effects, the cold shower method is also ineffective. Alcohol is eliminated from the bloodstream at a fairly constant rate by the liver, and dousing someone in cold water will not change that. The only thing that can sober up a drunk is time. But throw that drunk ass in a cold shower anyway. He won't know the difference. Have a little fun with the drunk. Don't forget to use a magic marker to draw wieners around his butthole.

Daily showering Tip (5/2/05)...

2005-05-02T13:34:00.000-05:00

Beer showers are a special kind of shower reserved mainly for athletes. You'll usually see athletes shower each other with beer and champagne in the locker room after winning a world championship, for instance. From the perspective of the stands, though, it is important to realize that it is our duty as drunken sports fanatics to shower those athletes that absolutely piss us off with a nice, sudsy, 24 oz., 6 dollar beer. Because if he doesn't catch that routine fly ball next time, I'll be throwing batteries or cell phones rather than just beer.

2005-05-01T18:44:00.000-05:00

New Cat Food Angers Feline Parents

BACKYARD, Texas - Sprinkles and Jeepers, founders of COOK (Cats Opposed to Obese Kittens) and parents of kitten Sgt. Fluffybuns, expressed outrage today over the release of a new cat food product they say is being marketed directly to the nations already overweight kittens.

Tender Skittles is a new product recently released by Purina, the makers of the wildly popular Tender Vittles cat food. Tender Skittles is basically human Skittles candy that has been placed in a cat food box. One serving of Tender Skittles contains 830 calories, 156 grams of sugar and 2,329% of a kitten's daily dose of Vitamin C. In only 2 weeks, the product has sold over 14 million units.

"Meow! How can this possibly be good for the health of my Fluffybuns, let alone any other kitten in America meow meow?" asked Sprinkles. "Sure, meow, it's ultimately up to the parents to control what their kittens eat meow meow meow, but Purina isn't making the feline parent's job of raising healthy kittens any easier, meow meow. We'll meow this all the way to the Supreme Meow if we meow meow!"

Purina spokespersons were not available for comment.

Daily Showering Tip (5/1/05)...

2005-05-01T10:28:00.000-05:00

No, kitty! Get out of the shower that's a BAD KITTY!

Daily Showering Tip (4/30/05)...

2005-04-30T10:31:00.000-05:00

Besides humans, the only other animal on the planet that actually enjoys a shower is the bird. This guy in the picture likes to shower together with his bird. And that's fine. It's a good way to bond with his pet. The guy looks way too happy, though, and I just hope he doesn't get it into his head that the bird should sit on the ol' "skin perch", if you know what I mean. People make me sick.

2005-04-29T14:06:00.000-05:00

Joke of the Week that Nobody Except Me Understands Because I'm Super Smart and Everyone Else Has Limited Powers of Comprehension...

Daily Showering Tip (4/29/05)...

2005-04-29T09:42:00.000-05:00

You've probably overheard people say (and you've probably said it yourself), "I'm going to go jump in the shower." Well, it's a ridiculous statement because nobody actually "jumps" in the shower. That's inviting a serious injury. It usually just means they're going to take a rather quick shower. To avoid confusion, people should simply say, "I'm going to take a shower."

Actually, now that I think about, that's not right either. I mean, if you "take a shower", where do you then put it? How about, "I'm going to go stand under the shower." No, that doesn't work because "under the shower" is literally the first floor, basement or crawl space. Makes no sense. OK, how about, "I'm going to go stand nude under the warm water that sprays out of the shower head." Yeah, that's good. Everybody say that.

Daily Showering Tip (4/28/05)...

2005-04-28T08:18:00.000-05:00

Some showers don't hold a constant temperature very well. You're forever adjusting and readjusting the knobs to keep the water tolerable. This can be very frustrating and takes the pleasure completely out of the showering experience. If you own a shower such as this, don't call a plumber to fix it. That's too expensive. You can save money by doing it yourself in 6 easy steps:

1) Shut off the water line servicing the shower.

2) Expose the plumbing by using a hammer to dislodge any ceramic tile and/or use a reciprocating saw to cut through plywood and sheetrock.

3) Locate the hot and cold water lines and label them as such.

4) Using a 32 oz. fester wrench, disconnect the dorry flange on the hot water line from the positive pressure feedback valve on the cold water line. Using a standard metal integrity sensor, inspect the valve for signs of corrosion, scorching or metal fatigue, and discard the valve if either of these problems exist at a range outside that recommended by OSHA. If the valve is OK, cleanse it with methyl ethyl ketone and reconnect the assembly. If the valve is faulty, but within OSHA integrity ranges, continue to step 5.

5) The faulty valve can be repaired using a two-component bonding resin known as FlowNail. Component A of FlowNail should be at least 45% MDI. Check the Material Safety Data Sheet (MSDS) for compliance. Mix component A and component B in a plastic cup using only a wooden tongue depressor. But first, put on nitrile gloves and a positive air purifying respirator (PAPR). Now apply liberally to the valve making sure not to clog the threads. Let dry 72 hours before reconnecting the plumbing assembly. In lieu of repairing the valve, a new one may be purchased from NASA once the appropriate permit application has been filed.

6) Enjoy your shower.

Marco Smurf and the Pepper Pirates

2005-04-27T13:39:00.000-05:00

Lest anyone forget the lyrics to the Pepper Pirate song from the Smurfs episode titled "Marco Smurf and the Pepper Pirates":

Oh, we are the Pepper Pirates,
We sail the seven seas,
Spices are our business,
So pass the pepper please.
Achoo!
Achoo!
Achoo achoo achoo!

Daily Showering Tip (4/27/05)...

2005-04-27T08:25:00.000-05:00

Boogers. Mucus. Phlegm. Green stuff. Who likes 'em? Not me. Well, occasionally I'll indulge myself, but that's beside the point. The point is that when you wake up in the morning, you've usually accumulated one or all of these things in your system, and they need to be cleared out. Green phlegm should be cleared from the chest, and boogers from the nose. And what better place to do that than in the shower? Just hack and blow to your heart's content. The water carries everything down the drain and out of sight. But beware of the errant booger. I've noticed a few healthy green globules that have probably been on my shower wall for close to a month. These have become hard like cement. Brushes, scrapers, soaps and solvents do nothing to remove them. Unfortunately, errant cement boogers need to be gnawed off.

Daily Showering Tip (4/26/05)...

2005-04-26T08:41:00.000-05:00

Dealing with a broken bone can mean more than just dealing with the pain. How can you bathe without getting the cast wet as the doctor ordered? Well, some people hold the cast outside the shower curtain, which doesn't work very well, especially if the cast is on a leg. Some people buy plastic bags specially designed to fit over leg and arm casts. This is a better option, but still sort of awkward. The best option is to have the doctor fit a cast lined with waterproof Gortex. No bags or any other fancy contraptions are needed. The cast can be worn in the shower, in the pool, or even while floating down a lazy river on a hot summer day.

Um, I think that was a legitimate showering tip. I'm scared.

Daily Showering Tip (4/25/05)...

2005-04-25T20:21:00.000-05:00

The perfect licensing opportunity for any celebrity is to market their own soap-on-a-rope. What better way for people to remember you than to have them use your face to wash their armpits? It worked for Mr. T, didn't it? With Mr. T, showering has never been so much fun. Mr. T pities da foo' who don't use his soap-on-a rope! Clean is mean! Don't be a dope, buy my soap!

There is also an added benefit to using Mr. T-on-a-rope. As Mr. T dissolves, he becomes Gary Coleman-on-a-rope. I challenge you to find one person that wouldn't want to wash their arse with Gary Coleman.

Daily Showering Tip (4/24/05)...

2005-04-24T20:23:00.000-05:00

SHOWER FACT: Despite the weightlessness, astronauts can actually shower in outer space. The above picture shows the shower on Skylab, which was America's first space station. The collapsible, cylindrical shower enclosure was attached to the floor, and the astronaut drew it up around him for use. The water flows through a push-button shower head attached to a flexible hose, and is siphoned off by a vacuum system. In 1973, Skylab astronaut Jack Lousma offered this advice to future users of the space shower: "Keep your private parts away from the vacuum. I learned the hard way."

Daily Showering Tip (4/23/05)...

2005-04-23T11:12:00.000-05:00

Showers are for bathing. Don't waste water washing a beer can dressed up as a pirate.

Daily Showering Tip (4/22/05)...

2005-04-22T11:26:00.000-05:00

Cracking an ice cold beer in a steaming hot shower is the ultimate nightcap after a long night of drinking. It's like a Nirvanic yin-yang of hot and cold, right and wrong, clean and dirty. What's cool is that when it's time to pee, you can just let 'er go, man. Who cares, right? Not me, man! Fuck it. I'm jus' gonna dzrink dis beer, an' take my fuckin' shower, an' go da bed. Mm hmm. Hey! Where'd my beer go!?! Oh, zere you are. On da soap dish. Soap is dope. HA! Soap-a-dope. Ali says soap-a-dope. Heya beer! You thought you could get away, didn'tcha? DIDN'TCHA!?! Weeeell I'm just put you in my belly then. Kay?

Daily Showering Tip (4/21/05)...

2005-04-21T15:34:00.000-05:00

Hair sweaters are fun for the whole family, but cleaning them can be a rather "hairy" situation. Ha ha ha. *wipe a tear* Anyway, many of the ordinary shampoos leave the hair coarse, dry, itchy and hard to manage. To combat these problems, I recommend Avo Derm Dog Shampoo for your hair sweater. AvoDerm shampoo helps renew the oils your coat needs to stay shiny and healthy year-round. And also remember that eating lots of fish, chicken, and grains will keep the coat smooth and luxurious. We all know how much the ladies like to run their fingers through our hair, right fellas?

Daily showering Tip (4/20/05)...

2005-04-20T08:33:00.000-05:00

With obesity reaching epidemic proportions in this country, a greater number of people are simply too fat to shower. Some are too fat to stand, let alone climb into a shower. Some just plain don't fit in the shower. Baths are no better for the same reasons. You might think that sponge baths would be an adequate bathing alternative. Wrong. Sponge baths are ineffective in the long-term and should only be used in pornographic situations involving a female nurse and a female patient who checked herself into the hospital because her new boyfriend's huge wiener gave her back pains. The only viable alternative is for all of the public swimming pools in every town in America to designate Tuesday from 1:00 to 1:15 as bath time for the nation's obese.

Habemus papam!

2005-04-19T13:00:00.000-05:00

VATICAN CITY - As white smoke rose from the Sistine Chapel chimney and bells rang Tuesday, the world knew that a new pope had been elected. The identity was revealed shortly after as Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany emerged as Pope Benedict XVI above a capacity crowd at St. Peter's Square.

The Pope began his address to the crowd by saying, "Webster's Dictionary defines 'Pope' as 'the bishop of Rome and head of the Roman Catholic Church on earth.' So relax, Pope Xendelgorn VII of Jupiter. Your job is safe." which resulted in thunderous laughter from the crowd.

The jocularity continued as the Pope said, "In addition, Webster's Dictionary defines 'benedict' as 'a newly married man who was previously considered a confirmed bachelor.' Well, perhaps married to my work anyway!" which was rewarded with more laughter and applause.

The Pope finished with a few jokes about eggs benedict and then wrapped up with a quick prayer. So there you have it. Habemus papam, everybody!

Daily Showering Tip (4/19/05)...

2005-04-19T08:22:00.000-05:00

Once again, I just can't emphasize enough the importance of showering regularly. Showering keeps you young and healthy by washing away the very impurities that can steal away youth and vigor. Need more proof? Take my favorite actor, Abe Vigoda, for instance. In "The Godfather IV: Fredo's Revenge", Abe's character was in a coma through the whole movie. For the sake of realism, Abe was not allowed to shower for the entire 4 months of filming. Here's a before shot of Abe (man, was he distinguished):

And here he is now:

Today, Abe can only find work as a member of Howard Stern's "Wack Pack."

Papal Conclave...

2005-04-18T22:09:00.000-05:00

As we all know, 115 cardinals are convening at the Vatican in a conclave to elect a successor to Pope John Paul II. But does it bother anyone besides me that an anagram for PAPAL CONCLAVE is NAACP CLAP LOVE? Are the cardinals trying to tell us in code that the civil rights organization loves "the clap" a.k.a. gonorrhea? That would be very troubling news. What would the NAACP have to gain by supporting a sexually transmitted disease? One can only imagine. But let's not jump to conclusions. Luckily, there is another anagram that may have a much more benign message:

VOCAL PECAN PAL

I think we all know a certain personified legume that is probably very good friends with a pecan:

Daily Showering Tip (4/18/05)...

2005-04-18T08:35:00.000-05:00

It is absolutely essential that you shower regularly. Showering literally washes away impurities that can take years off your life. Want proof? Well, in one unfortunate incident, my favorite actress, Jessica Alba, was playing the part of a homeless person and couldn't shower for the entire 3 months of filming. Here's a before shot (man, was she beautiful):

And look at her now:

Today, the only work Jessica can find is doing guest appearances on Conan O'Brien.

Daily Showering Tip (4/17/05)...

2005-04-17T21:56:00.000-05:00

You can wash off more than just dirt in the shower.

Daily Showering Tip (4/16/05)...

2005-04-16T09:54:00.000-05:00

Use a shower cap if you're a grandma and don't want your hair to get wet when showering. Other uses for shower caps include:

prevent dripping after using a home hair colouring kit
protective cover for fine dishware
boot liners
portable, collapsible emergency bed pan for your car
parachute for G.I. Joe guys
condom

More drinking stunk...

2005-04-16T01:12:00.000-05:00

Here's a typical snippet of a conversation at a tripe shop:

"Surely you don't expect me to swallow that tripe?"

"Yes I do, and don't call me Shirley."

Drinking stunk...

2005-04-16T00:12:00.000-05:00

Ahhhh, there's nothing like posting a drunken message to your blog. Hey, here's a bunch (3) of crazy pictures of kids:

Climbing through a huge rectum teaches children about the importance of colo-rectal care. Recto-colon care. That kid represents fiber. Eat lots of fiber, kids. If you don't eat fiber, you won't...get a pony. Or be able to flip off the opposing football squad.