Needlessly pointing out Google's minuscule weaknesses...

Most of the time, the Google search engine is spot on tits, but sometimes it just plain doesn't work. I know, I know, who gives a crap? Nobody. Just bear with me here. You see, I use the image search function of Google quite a bit to search for specific images of silly things like chicken butts or chicken lips or...headless chicken...wieners. But sometimes the results of these image searches are far below par. First, here's an example where Google works well. I was searching for images relating to the phrase "Google boobies" and managed to find this:

Bravo, Google, bravo. But here's some examples where Google doesn't know what the hell it's doing. Today, I searched for "Undercover Grandpa" (with no quotation marks), which is the title of a screenplay I'm thinking about writing (I tend to write the title first, then work off of that. The same way they wrote "How Stella Got Her Groove Back."). I wanted an image that related even the slightest bit to the words "undercover" and "grandpa." Here's the only image that Google could conjure:


Hey, how YOU doin'?

As nice as this picture is, and as much as I'd like to wage a sexy war upon her Milagro beanfield, it has nothing to do with grandpas or being undercover. I mean, she's underdressed by some standards, but not undercover. Later tonight she might be under my covers, but she's not undercover. She's an easy, breezy, beautiful Covergirl, but not an easy, breezy, beautiful UNDERcover girl. Nor a grandpa. Yes, the website is www.undercover.com, but I couldn't find the term "grandpa" anywhere on the site.

Here's another example. I typed in "portable underpants" because I think this would be an important invention for the 21st century, or possibly a good name for my rock band. The only images Google could conjure were GIFs of navigation bars from a tennis website:


...is lame.

In another search, I typed in "tongue depressing" hoping to catch an exciting action shot of a doctor using a tongue depressor. Maybe with the caption, "Dr. Beeper in the act of tongue depressing." This is the only image of note that Google found:

Depressing? Maybe. That's open to interpretation. But I for sure don't see any tongues. Not that I want to. I mean, it's not exactly a pleasant image to think of these two in a hardcore makeout session. Elderly but muscular tongues slithering and chaotically probing for lips, earlobes, teeth and napes. Glistening trails of saliva upon the skin guide the way back home lest the tongue get lost in the passion, which knows no boundaries of age.

Finally, when I typed in "Chunky Lover 53", which is derived from the prefix of Homer Simpson's email address, I got one resulting image of a cropped Google screen that says that there were no pages found containing chunkylover53:


This, needless to say, totally blew my mind, which doesn't handle very well the concepts of irony, circular logic, Mobius strips, multiple universes, dimensions beyond the 4th, or mirrors reflecting each other to infinity. You know, things that make you want to smoke weed. Or things you think about WHILE smoking weed. Or things that you imagine other people are thinking about while THEY'RE smoking weed. I feel like smoking weed. Maybe make s'mores and listen to a few crunchy tunes. Later.