This Crunchwrap Supreme must have heroin in it or something...

Taco Bell must be thinking WAY outside the bun these days because I swear on Conrad Baine himself that they're putting heroin in their new Crunchwrap Supreme. Either that or they've found the perfect combination of meat, cheese, veggies, sour cream and both hard and soft taco shells. Yeah right. I'll stick with the heroin theory.

First, it was McDonald's that decided to put heroin in their McGriddle breakfast sandwiches that debuted a few years ago. I was hooked after the first one, and literally almost crashed my car after taking the first bite. I proceeded to then eat one every single day for the next 6 months. I was hooked bad. But I don't even know why McDonald's felt the need to add heroin to the McGriddle. It's overkill. I mean, maple syrup is infused right there in the pancake. Infusion, everybody! Who can resist that? So the added heroin is just plain cruel. But I finally got over the McGriddle and haven't had one in months. All it took was a few trips to the methadone clinic, an electrolyte flush, a bowel cleansing, and a brain scraping before I was finally clean and sober.

But, alas, now I'm hooked again. Only this time the heroin seems to be embedded somewhere within the confines of a Frisbee-shaped soft shell taco stuffed with warm and crunchy Taco Bell goodness. I don't know what to do! I eat, like, four of these things every day. I can't stop. And they're only $1.79! Hell, I can't afford NOT to buy these things!

Well anyway, I've gotta go to lunch now 'cause I need a fix, baby, and I need it BAD.

By the way, I think I've got a good idea for a Crunchwrap Supreme TV commercial. It'll be like those Reese's peanut butter cup commercials from the 1980's:

Scene: A fat guy eating a Crunchwrap and a heroin addict...eating heroin... accidentally bump into each other on the sidewalk.

Fat guy: "You got heroin in my Crunchwrap!"

Addict: "What the fuck, fatass?! Watch where you're going. You made me spill my shit. Aw shit, fatass! Damn! You got fuckin' Crunchwrap in my heroin!"

Then, with a twinkle and a chime, the food and the narcotic magically combine to form the perfect Mexican-inspired, addictive food-type thing.

Pitch the product.

End scene.