Oh, no shit? The book was better than the movie? Wow, imagine that. Hey, you know what else? Real butter tastes better than turd butter.

I'm a big fan of movies. Not a huge fan, just a big fan. It's not like I'm that dude from Dawson's Creek who lived and dreamed movies, all the while refusing to have sex with Katie Holmes and frustrating the hell out of me. Do her already! No? You just want her to lay next to you in your bed fully clothed while you watch "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" for the 40th time? Homo. You should be invading Katie's snatch instead. Loser.

One of my favorite websites is the Internet Movie Database (IMBd.com). It has everything you'd want to know about every movie, actor, director, key grip, best boy, best man, groomsman, bridesmaid and monkey trainer. There's reviews, rankings, filmographies, plot summaries, quotes, refreshments, slot machines, and a female escort service should you require that as you peruse the website at 3:30 in the AM. I often find myself heading directly to the "user comments" section of IMDb after I watch a movie just to see what other people thought of it. These reviews can be filtered to show only reviews of those who loved a movie, or only those that hated it. I typically only read the "hated it" reviews because they're much more interesting. You get the bible thumpers that hate the movie just because it happened to portray nudity, violence, subversion or the occasional monkey rape scene. They'll hate it even if these scenes were integral to the movie. In "Coco Takes a Late Night Stroll in Central Park", the movie would be nothing without the monkey rape scene. That's the whole plot! By the way, Todd Hinski was the monkey trainer for that movie. He did an excellent job.

You also get reviews from people that hated the movie because they didn't understand it. That's a great way to announce to the public that you are too stupid to understand a movie and might want to get that GED ASAP. Others write that they hated a movie even though they turned it off halfway through. Then they'll say, "Somebody please explain this stupid movie to me!" Well if you would've finished watching, it would've made sense, Poindexter! These people are often retarded and just learned how to type with the aid of a Speak & Spell.

My biggest pet peeve is people who write a "hated it" review because the book was better than the movie. Guess what, jerks, the movie will NEVER be better than it's book predecessor. (There's only a few exceptions: Jaws, The Godfather, Shawshank Redemption, The Shining, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, The Princess Bride, Fight Club, and From Justin to Kelly.) They'll write, "I just loved reading 'The Grapes of Wrath', so I was interested in how well the movie followed the book. I found out that the movie screwed up the story completely, and it didn't even end the same way!" Well no duh, people. No duh indeed. It's called "artistic license." It's called "trying to pack a whole book into 120 minutes and shit happens where key elements from the book need to be cut out." That's what it's called. It's also called "we can't make the movie exactly like the book because it would end up being a 22 hour movie." Dummy.

It's fine to hate a movie, but have good reasons for hating it. Judge the movie on its own merits just as you judged the book. Now, if you'll excuse me, I just rented a DVD called "Coco Searches for Her Car Keys in a Dark Parking Lot" and I'm curious what it's about. Later.