Thanks a lot, NBC. Now I want to hump 16-year-old girls...

Why must TV tempt me with forbidden fruits? No, I'm not talking about the Sicilian Pizzaberry, the Marijuanabanana, or the Beer Plum. I'm talking about the Miss Teen USA pageant, which was on TV last week. Why was I watching the Miss Teen USA pageant you ask? Shit, I don't know. It was either that or watch "Yes, Dear", "Reba" or "This Week in Foosball (TWIF)." Yes, foosball. Anyway, in this particular pageant, NBC felt the need to parade 16 to 18-year-old girls in bikinis across my television screen. Very frustrating. Very confusing. I mean, I suppose 18 is fine and legal, but society, with all its laws and morals and such, has been telling me since I turned 18 myself not to look at girls younger than 18 in a sexual manner. In the case of the Miss Teen USA pageant, this is utterly impossible. These girls looked friggin' hot to me, but my conscience kept telling me not to look at them in "that way." Very difficult. Very confusing.

The winner of the pageant, who's name escapes me because nobody cares what her name is, is 16-years-old. Friggin' 16. And she's hotter than a Pop-Tart straight out of the toaster. And surely as delicious. See, was that wrong to say? Probably, but I really don't know anymore. Here, see for yourself how hot she is:




Yamahama.

I just don't know what society expects me to think when I look at fully developed yet underage girls like this. Am I suppose to think, "Oh, what a pretty girl. I'll bet she's a good student with a supportive family and will make great contributions to society someday"? I can't think that; it's unreasonable. And it's a beauty pageant for Pete's sake! That means you look at and judge the BODY. And maybe the mind. Maybe. Mostly the body.

It's especially hard when the clearly over-age male host of the pageant introduces the swimsuit competition by saying, "And now the portion of the program that the contestants have been preparing for for months - the swimsuit competition. And guess what, ladies? The guys have been preparing for months for this moment, too. Ha ha ha." Then he gives a sly look like he's ready to pork all the contestants. Well if the damn host of the pageant is drooling over these girls, can I do the same? My only conclusion is yes, I can. The only question is how to justify my ogling and drooling so as not to feel like or look like a creepy old man. I offer this as justification:

Less than a hundred years ago, it was quite common for 16-year-old girls to get married and have children. Heck, a few hundred years ago, 13 and 14-year-old girls were getting married and having children. And society seemed to be fine with this. In the 21st century, all I want to do is look at clothed, possibly bikini-clad, teenagers on a televised beauty pageant. While I'm doing that, I might think sexy thoughts and keep them to myself. I think it's OK to do that.

There, I feel better because I've justified my actions.

Crap, let's face it. That was a creepy justification. TV turned me into a pedophile. Damn it. Thanks a lot, jerks.

Now, if you'll excuse me, TiVo just recorded a bunch of teen sitcoms on the Disney Channel and wants me to watch them. Even TiVo thinks I'm a pedophile. Crap.

Wait, what's that? The age of consent is 16 in this state? Oh. Nevermind.