If I die today...

I'm off to do an inspection in White Trash County. I don't anticipate that I'll survive because, let's face it, it's impossible to explain to Jed Clampett that he can't burn animal parts from his meat packing business in a regular wood-burning furnace. Rather than listen to reason, they usually just try to shoot you. If I don't make it, I ask that my friends please publish my Daily Showering Tips and have them displayed in the Health section of every Borders in the country. They should sell for $8.99 and the proceeds shall go to the development of a hilarious edible cummerbund...for kids. The cummerbund should sell for $14.99 and the proceeds shall go to the development of a cheap way to blow up the moon. The moon does nothing for humans but wreak havoc with it's deadly tides and full-moon crime sprees.

If anyone needs to access my bank accounts, etc., my username and password for everything I do is:

username: buttbuttbutt
password: poopnumber2

I bequeath my computer to the local high school (I deleted all the porn and illegal music last night). I bequeath my Yahtzee score card collection to my brothers to be split up as they see fit. To be fair, the highest scores (875 high game) should probably go to the eldest. Those are worth, like, a lot of money.

In the event that I am "Shiavo'd", please pull the plug or the feeding tube or whatever it is that's keeping me alive. Then cremate me and scatter my ashes on both Pluto and the moon. Then blow up the moon and scatter its ashes on Mars for which to make fertile soil for our pioneering astro-men of the 24th-and-a-half century.

Oh, and I rented a couple DVD's last week. They're due back by midnight.