Things to do before two new conservative judges are appointed to the Supreme Court...

• If you're a dude, marry, like, 30 dudes.
• Have sex with a seedless watermelon. Not sure if this is currently considered illegal under the Constitution, but it might be in the future thanks to conservative judges. By the way, use seedless because nobody wants to know what sort of bizarre creature a half-fruit-humping human, half-watermelon guy would look like. And it might terrorize the solar system. Then George Bush would have to kill it anyway for supporting terror.
• Burn a 3-dimensional representation of an out-of-focus picture of the American flag. You'll get your ass kicked if you burn a real flag.
• Openly pray for your god only on your own time.
• Clone all sorts of shit. Like a shark that's riding on an elephant's back, which happens to be the most dangerous animal on the planet. It just tramples and eats everything it sees*.
• Enjoy the unregulated worlds of the internet, cable TV and satellite radio.
• Send a petition with 400,000 signatures to Washington demanding the nomination of Judge Reinhold for Supreme Court Justice. Mainly because his first name is already Judge, which would make for an easy transition, but also because he got to make out with Phoebe Cates in Fast Times. She's so hot...
  
  
• To prepare for the new regime of Justices, start drawing a picture of Judge John Roberts in the dictionary next to the words "stiff", "robot", "lame" and "poopy." I assume poopy is in the dictionary. If not, write it in. Here's the definitions: Adjective, pronounced poo'-pee, 1) Stained with poop. Example: How did my nose get so poopy? Well, that's the last time I do THAT with the wife. 2) Characterized by a general dislike. Example: This Broadway musical is both gay and poopy. Let's leave. 3) Judge John Roberts (see picture).
• Help scientists dispose of embryonic stem cells by holding the garbage bag open for them.
• Oh, and what about the whole abortion thing? I wouldn't touch that issue with a 18-inch coat hanger. Peoples is crazy about that shit.

* Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy, c. 1990.