Things to do before two new conservative judges are appointed to the Supreme Court...

• If you're a dude, marry, like, 30 dudes.
• Have sex with a seedless watermelon. Not sure if this is currently considered illegal under the Constitution, but it might be in the future thanks to conservative judges. By the way, use seedless because nobody wants to know what sort of bizarre creature a half-fruit-humping human, half-watermelon guy would look like. And it might terrorize the solar system. Then George Bush would have to kill it anyway for supporting terror.
• Burn a 3-dimensional representation of an out-of-focus picture of the American flag. You'll get your ass kicked if you burn a real flag.
• Openly pray for your god only on your own time.
• Clone all sorts of shit. Like a shark that's riding on an elephant's back, which happens to be the most dangerous animal on the planet. It just tramples and eats everything it sees*.
• Enjoy the unregulated worlds of the internet, cable TV and satellite radio.
• Send a petition with 400,000 signatures to Washington demanding the nomination of Judge Reinhold for Supreme Court Justice. Mainly because his first name is already Judge, which would make for an easy transition, but also because he got to make out with Phoebe Cates in Fast Times. She's so hot...
  
  
• To prepare for the new regime of Justices, start drawing a picture of Judge John Roberts in the dictionary next to the words "stiff", "robot", "lame" and "poopy." I assume poopy is in the dictionary. If not, write it in. Here's the definitions: Adjective, pronounced poo'-pee, 1) Stained with poop. Example: How did my nose get so poopy? Well, that's the last time I do THAT with the wife. 2) Characterized by a general dislike. Example: This Broadway musical is both gay and poopy. Let's leave. 3) Judge John Roberts (see picture).
• Help scientists dispose of embryonic stem cells by holding the garbage bag open for them.
• Oh, and what about the whole abortion thing? I wouldn't touch that issue with a 18-inch coat hanger. Peoples is crazy about that shit.

* Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy, c. 1990.

I got a blogger on my finger and I can't get it off...

Look, I understand that in the past few weeks I haven't been posting very often. Or even at all. It's just that I've discovered recently that not only do I have something called "a job", but also something called "a life outside of blogging." It has never been my goal to be a career blogger. I just wanted to share my occasional brain vomit with everyone. To be honest, I'm disgusted to even associate myself with bloggers. Bloggers are fucking retarded if I may be so blunt. They think that people care what they have to say. NOBODY cares what a blogger has to say. That's because almost all blogs are beyond boring. I'd rather read the back of a shampoo bottle and contemplate for hours the perpetual nature of the instructions than read the god-awful blogs that are out there. In fact, 99% of bloggers should be repeatedly kicked in the nuts or vagina - or both if hermaphroditic - until they vow never to write another word ever again. Damn hermaphrodites. They can go fuck themselves for all I care. I'm pretty sure I didn't make up that joke. Anyway, it just so happens that the blog format is the easiest way for me to barf up my undigested thoughts about showers, the Food Network, Taco Bell and Captain Kirk, so here I am in the world of blogs. And because I'm such an altruistic bastard, I choose to share my milky white mind discharges with you, the reader. All I ask in return is for your patience and for your gratitude that this blog exists at all.

Believe it or not, though, I know how you feel. I've been waiting more than a month for Maddox to post something to his website. That jerk needs to update already.

By the way, I am working on stories for Water Blogged Tuesday. I just never said which Tuesday.

Here's some stories I'm working on for Water Blogged Tuesday...

• "What's a brother gotta do to get a hurricane named after him?" by Xzibit, hip-hop artist and ride pimper
• "These crunchy and delicious Rold Gold® Cheddar Cheese Tiny Twist Pretzels are making me thirsty..."
• "The Indians may can call it maize, but I can still see big chunks of it in my stool..."
• "Things to do before a new conservative judge is appointed to the Supreme Court..."
• "My city has a bigger wiener than your city..."

The Goddess Bunny...

I'm strangely attracted to the person in this video. There's just something about her. I think it's the umbrella that does it for me.

(Video opens within browser.)