Daily Showering Tip (2/28/05)...

SHOWER FACT: The writer of the national anthem, Francis Scott Key, also invented the shower. His first version was used only for singing in, but he added plumbing after his wife threatened to convert the space to chic hat storage.

See the movie "Gummo"

Gummo is awesome. The above movie posters should be enough to convince you to see it. If you need more convincing, here's some quotes from reviews of Gummo on IMDb.com:

"There is practically no dialog whatsoever, and viewers are forced (if they don't mercifully turn the channel) to watch nearly two hours of scenes including: an overweight young girl with glazed-over eyes shaving her eyebrows, some redheaded kid eating spaghetti and chocolate in a bathtub while his mother washes his hair, another kid (dressed like a rabbit) playing with a dead cat, and three sisters lying in bed, blissfully gazing into the camera singing "Jesus Loves Me".

"It's very obvious that this movie needs to be banished to the fiery pits from which it came. It's absolutely horrible."

"If watching white trash America drown cats, live in horrible conditions, and appear to be inbred is your idea of a good film, then this may be the one for you."

"It looks like the cast were picked from rejected Springer guests."

"The part with the albino girl dancing outside by her car in her work apron, has to be one of the funniest scenes I have ever seen."

"This movie is 100 percent garbage."

Gummo synopsis

Clip of a star of the movie, Jacob Reynolds, in a low-budget music video. OK, it's not Jacob Reynolds. It's Jelle Buelens a.k.a. GellieMan out of Belgium. But they look very much alike.

Daily Showering Tip (2/27/05)...

Maybe at some point in your life, possibly right now, you've entertained the idea of bringing the toaster into the shower with you. You've probably thought to yourself, "I'll save time in the morning by making my toast while I bathe." Well let me tell you something. Bringing the toaster into the shower is EXTREMELY stupid. Toast and water just don't mix. Can you say "soggy toast"? Yeah, I thought you could.

Coincidentally, the comic strip Soggy Toast is also EXTREMELY stupid.

Daily Showering Tip (2/26/05)...

There's something on the internet called a "golden shower." Beware! This is NOT some sort of fancy shower head made of 14K gold. NOR is it a term for bathing your golden retriever. In fact, a golden shower has nothing to do with bathing AT ALL. That's all I'll say. Just...just beware.

Phun with Photoshop...

Me, 12 years old.


Me, 1982.

Daily Showering Tip (2/25/05)...

There's nothing more sensual than sharing sexual relations with your spouse in a hot, steaming shower. The smooth skin, the lather, the embrace...the passion. Just make sure you're both younger than, say, 45 years old if you're going to do this. I mean, any older than that would just be disgusting. A tangled mass of withered limbs writhing around in steam that only serves to make the decrepit skin even more wrinkled? No thanks. Don't wanna think about it.

Daily Showering Tip (2/24/05)...

When your bar soap has diminished to the size of an unusable sliver, set it aside. Don't throw it away. When you've accumulated enough of these slivers, mash and mold them all together to make one big new bar of soap. This can then be tossed in the trash as one convenient package of dirty, worthless soap slivers.

Daily Showering Tip (2/23/05)...

The CDC (Center for Disease Control) recommends that citizens shower or bathe at least once per day. If you must skip a day, please find some time to at least wash the 4 key areas of your body: face, armpits, crotch, asshole. And wash IN THAT ORDER for the love of Pete.

Idea for an all pork radio station (WHAM)

On the way to the bathroom just now, I thought of an idea for a radio station called HAM Radio (call sign WHAM). It's radio. It's all things pig. It's a play on words. I have no more ideas about it. Only excerpts of possible shows:

Commodities Watch
...In pork bellies futures, February closed higher on spillover from a weak Chinese hog market, which is expected to tank by summer due to near drought weather conditions. February pork bellies closed lower Friday with a high of $44.32 and a low of $43.00 and a close at $43.05. To survive, hogs require something to roll around in, and the drought in China will likely lead to much less mud production. The Chinese government has asked hog farmers to feed their hogs more, which will hopefully cause them to produce more of their own filth, which may then be rolled around in in lieu of mud...

Pork News
...Today the Mexican Council of Food (MCF) mirrored pork advertisements in the United States by stating that pork is "La otra carne blanca", which translates to "The other meat white." No word yet from the MCF as to why they choose to put adjectives after the noun...

...The FDA confirmed recent nation-wide rumors that, yes, a magical animal DOES exist that provides ALL of these delicious meat products: bacon, ham, pork chops, sausage, BBQ, and Sati Babi...

...While hosting a gag trivia game with audience members as participants, David Letterman awarded a canned ham to a contestant. This was the 20,000th time in the history of his late night program "The Late Show" that a canned ham was used as a gag prize. In appreciation of this milestone, Late Show producers then awarded Mr. Letterman a - you guess it - canned ham for this accomplishment, which raised the number to 20,001. Canned laughter then permeated the Ed Sullivan Theater...

Hog Farm News
...The Environmental Protection Agency released a statement today that it aims to crack down on sewage sludge runoff from hog farms in the state of Missouri. Farmers are being asked to feed their hogs less, which will hopefully cause them to produce less of their own filth and therefore less runoff. Meteorologists forecast an unusually wet spring this year, which will mean plenty of mud for hogs to roll around in in lieu of their own filth...

That's it. I've got nothing else. Other than a Wham! song would probably introduce some or all of these quality pork programs.

Update, 2/25/05:

On second thought, maybe that wasn't an original idea...

Daily Showering Tip (2/22/05)...

When showering, always wash from top to bottom, left to right.

Daily Showering Tip (2/21/05)...

Excellent bathroom accoustics often temp many a person to sing to their hearts content while showering. When polled, the majority of women prefer to sing opera in the shower. Wow, a nude opera. Can you imagine? I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Daily Showering Tip (2/20/05)...

Defecating and/or urinating in the shower is strictly prohibited. Period! Well, with one exception. If you're following my earlier tip on 2/18/05 of air-drying yourself in the event you've forgotten a towel, and you find that it is impossible to hold your bowels or bladder any longer, you may defecate and/or urinate in the shower. Again, we can't have dead kids all over the house due to wet floors.

Email thread: A friend moves...again.

From: Tim
Subject: rites of spring
Date: Thu, 27 May 2004 10:11 AM

How do you know when the month of May has arrived. Is it the Kentucky Derby? The Indy 500? Or is it Tim moving for the bajillionith time. For me it's the last one. Here is my new address:

xxxx Ralston Ave.
Indianapolis, IN 46220

Phone is the same 317-###-####
__________________________________________
From: Jimmy Joe Johnson
Subject: RE: rites of spring
Date: Thu, 27 May 2004, 11:35 AM

I knew I'd seen that address before...

From The Indianapolis Star, January 5, 2004:

"Quintuple Murder on Ralston Ave."
By Terry Horne

INDIANAPOLIS - Police are investigating a quintuple murder at the home of Bob Arino at xxxx Ralston Avenue. On Sunday, police received a call from neighbors that the Arino's hadn't been seen in days and that they noticed a peculiar odor or "stench" emanating from the house. Police arrived on site
and broke down the doors. Words can hardly describe the scene inside. An entire family murdered...to death. Each body, including that of little 8-year-old Ned "Beef" Arino, had been completely skinned. Even more disturbing was that the hides had been used to wallpaper the dining room.

"The hides on the walls sort of gave the home a southwestern motif, albeit a horribly smelly motif." said Detective Chet Sumner. "We've got officers pukin' all over the place here. It's more of a vomitorium than a crime scene. One of my officers just filled up his own hat with his breakfast and I got another guy tryin' to get the chunks out of his shotgun. Whoever buys this house next will have a hell of a mess to clean up. Not just the vomit, but that 'wallpaper' is gonna be murder to get off, pun intended. The murderer apparently used some sort of industrial mastic to apply it. He's good. A real pro. I mean it's a seamless job. You can't tell where one flap of skin ends and another begins."

The bodies themselves were stacked in the upstairs closet like
shoeboxes...stacked in a closet.

Remarked Detective Sumner, "The eyes were open and the bodies were motionless, but I swear they beckoned. They beckoned for their very souls. Or it could have been the thousands of maggots writhing on the flesh that made the bodies appear to move. Either way, it was so stinky in there that I had guys pukin' all over the walls. I said, 'Hey, boys, this house already has horrible wallpaper downstairs! You tryin' to make the walls worse up here?' The boys just laughed and puked some more. Man, I feel for the guy that buys this house next."

Investigators say that this is not the first time this has happened here. In 1988, 1991, 1992, 1995 and 2001, entire families were skinned in this very house. Each family's hide was used for some sort of decorative purpose, from carpet to countertops.

Detective Sumner remarked, "There seems to be a pattern here. The murderer has some sort of problem with this house or the people within it. I suppose future murders are inevitable. Therefore, we encourage future owners of this property to call 911 if they are in the process of being skinned alive. Then maybe we can catch this guy. By the way, we've come up with 'The Naptown Skinner' as a good name for the murderer and 'Murder By Design' as a good title for the made-for-TV movie that will inevitably spring from this incident."

Terry Horne can be contacted at terry.horne@indystar.com
__________________________________________

From: Tim
Subject: RE: rites of spring
Date: Thu, 27 May 2004 12:35 PM

Bravo good sir. I tip my hand to you and now I'll fade into Bolivian. That was one of the funniest things I've read in quite some time. I kind of want to move again just to have you write a story to go with the address. Top shelf, A list, Cream of the crop ( I rise to the top, I never eat a pig because a pig is a cop).

Ned "Beef" Arino

Email thread: A friend moves...

From: Tim
Subject: I've moved
Date: Mon, 2 Jun 2003 12:16 PM

As my catchy subject line has already informed you, I've moved. My new address is:

xxxx N. Park Ave.
Indianapolis, IN 46220

My phone number will just be my cell phone for the time being, which is still (317) ###-####. Hope all is well, moving sucks, go Cubs.

Tim
__________________________________________

From: Jimmy Joe Johnson
Subject: Re: I've moved
Sent: Monday, June 02, 2003 1:47 PM

I knew I'd seen that address before...

From the Indianapolis Star, March 18, 2003:

"House Determined to be 'Extremely' Haunted"
By Terry Horne

INDIANAPOLIS -- Indianapolis Paranormal investigators (IPI's) determined Monday that a house at xxxx N. Park Ave. in Indianapolis is indeed "extremely" haunted and often experiences what IPI's like to call "Super-Duper Hauntings" or SDH's. When asked if all the acronyms were necessary, IPI John Dumyonyuk, or J.D., replied, "Yes."

Hauntings in the home will mostly manifest themselves as an unknown and unseen force lightly grabbing at your toes while you're trying to fall asleep. As frigging spooky as that is, more troubling events can occur. According to former residents Marge and Larry Applegrabber, these super-duper hauntings resulted in the death of their pet spider monkey named Mittens, and possibly the death of their marriage.

"Mittens was a good monkey, but he was weak and stupid. He shouldn't have jumped into that vortex. As far as our marriage is concerned, we're going through a tough time, " Mr. Applegrabber said. "Marge wants half of everything. I told her she already stole half my soul, but apparently that's not enough."

Ironically, a Class IV poltergeist tried to steal half of Mr. Applegrabber's soul last June. He was ultimately successful in warding off the deamon with his Oija board, which he religiously wears around his neck night and day. IPI's encourage any future tenants to tear up their lease and get out. Either that or dress up like Winona Rider in the hit 1988 movie "Beetlejuice" and fly around the staircase singing "Jump in the Line" by Harry Belafonte.

Terry Horne can be contacted at terry.horne@indystar.com
__________________________________________

From: Eric
Subject: Re: I've moved
Date: Monday, June 2, 3003, 7:22 PM

What's wrong with Jimmy Joe? This question should seriously be addressed by the Gin Committee. I have some theories, but will wait to hear your thoughts. Seriously, what is wrong with him?
__________________________________________

From: Jim
Subject: Re: I've moved
Date: Tuesday, June 3, 2003, 9:06 AM

In my opinion...Jimmy Joe's a genius and I'm jealous of his ability to be a complete whack job and appear normal.

Daily Showering Tip (2/19/05)...

An effective bath and shower cleanser can be made with items you probably already have lying around the house such as baking soda, borax, vinegar, club soda, and toothpaste. Or you could release that strangle hold on your wallet and actually spend the 88 cents for a can of Comet cleanser. Save the toothpaste for your teeth, Gummy Joe.

Daily Showering Tip (2/18/05)...

If you've already begun showering and realize that you've forgotten a towel, follow these directions. Finish showering, then air dry yourself. That's right, air dry. It may take a number of minutes or even an hour, but we can't risk getting the carpet or hardwood floors wet while you go running all over the house stark naked looking for a towel. The neighbors might see your naughty bits. And wet carpet is the perfect environment for germs to breed. As we all know, germs kill children. And wet hardwood floors are slippery and can swell and warp. Children can slip and fall on warped, wet wood floors and die. Unless you want dead kids all over the house, just be patient and wait in the shower and let nature's breezes dry your skin.

Ahhhh, nature's breezes...

Daily Showering Tip (2/17/05)...

If you're going to masturbate in the shower, first make sure there's enough soap available. (It doesn't have to be Hanukkah Soap.)

Daily Showering Tip (2/16/05)...

Clumps of hair collected from the shower drain can make a fun Halloween mustache. Or even a wig! Just ask this guy:


Happy Halloween!

Daily Showering Tip (2/15/05)...

Have you ever noticed that certain hairs sometimes become embedded in your bar soap when bathing? And have you ever tried to remove these hairs by digging your fingernail into the soap? Well stop doing that. You want your bar soap to look its best, not all full of gouges. Now listen to me. While showering, simply hold the soap under the running water (hair-side up). In no time, the soap around the hair will dissolve and the hair will slide harmlessly off the soap and into the drain. Simple. Practical. And the soap will remain smooth and beautiful.

Now if there was only a good use for all that drain hair...