A few more ideas for shows on the Food Network...

• "Diagnosis: Burger" - Medical doctors show their skills at grilling out. The catch? Only surgical tools may be used during food preparation. "Hand me that retractor, nurse, I need to flip this burger. Thanks. And now a little suction please. Great. Oh my God, he's crashing! There's grease everywhere. Hand me a fucking clamp! NOW, damnit! I'm NOT going to lose this burger. Not on my watch!"
• "Prognosis: Delicious" - Same show, different title.
• "Picnic on the Streets of London" - With all the panic on the streets of London these days, how about a show where people picnic rather than panic? I mean how 'bout it, folks?
• "Go Nuts With Donuts" - Show about donuts.
• "Dunk'd" - Show about coffee and donuts hosted by Ashton Kucher.
• "Pork Me, Baby" - Show about pork.
• "$400 a Day" - Instead of $40, Food Network sweetheart Rachel Ray's fat ass goes to a different city each week and tries to eat $400 worth of food in one day. Judging by the way she eats, she shouldn't have a problem.
• "Pimp My Rye" - Show about giving standard bread recipes a little kick. Know what I'm sayin'? How does it feel to ya? Roll the Swisher, baby, if it's real to ya. M-dub, three thugs sittin' on deuce deuces. Hennessey and gin mixed with orange and apple juices. Barbecues and a half-ounce. Bounce wit da music. Yo, Daz, throw me a light...

Feel good thought of the day...

Every mushroom cloud has a Ag-113 lining.

Unfortunately, with a half-life of only 5.37 hours, that silver lining decays relatively quickly to Cd-113. With a half-life of 9.3 million billion years, cadmium-113 is therefore persistent and, if ingested, can induce cancer in the liver and kidneys from the beta particles emitted during radioactive decay.

There is no escape from cadmium-113.

Thanks a lot, NBC. Now I want to hump 16-year-old girls...

Why must TV tempt me with forbidden fruits? No, I'm not talking about the Sicilian Pizzaberry, the Marijuanabanana, or the Beer Plum. I'm talking about the Miss Teen USA pageant, which was on TV last week. Why was I watching the Miss Teen USA pageant you ask? Shit, I don't know. It was either that or watch "Yes, Dear", "Reba" or "This Week in Foosball (TWIF)." Yes, foosball. Anyway, in this particular pageant, NBC felt the need to parade 16 to 18-year-old girls in bikinis across my television screen. Very frustrating. Very confusing. I mean, I suppose 18 is fine and legal, but society, with all its laws and morals and such, has been telling me since I turned 18 myself not to look at girls younger than 18 in a sexual manner. In the case of the Miss Teen USA pageant, this is utterly impossible. These girls looked friggin' hot to me, but my conscience kept telling me not to look at them in "that way." Very difficult. Very confusing.

The winner of the pageant, who's name escapes me because nobody cares what her name is, is 16-years-old. Friggin' 16. And she's hotter than a Pop-Tart straight out of the toaster. And surely as delicious. See, was that wrong to say? Probably, but I really don't know anymore. Here, see for yourself how hot she is:




Yamahama.

I just don't know what society expects me to think when I look at fully developed yet underage girls like this. Am I suppose to think, "Oh, what a pretty girl. I'll bet she's a good student with a supportive family and will make great contributions to society someday"? I can't think that; it's unreasonable. And it's a beauty pageant for Pete's sake! That means you look at and judge the BODY. And maybe the mind. Maybe. Mostly the body.

It's especially hard when the clearly over-age male host of the pageant introduces the swimsuit competition by saying, "And now the portion of the program that the contestants have been preparing for for months - the swimsuit competition. And guess what, ladies? The guys have been preparing for months for this moment, too. Ha ha ha." Then he gives a sly look like he's ready to pork all the contestants. Well if the damn host of the pageant is drooling over these girls, can I do the same? My only conclusion is yes, I can. The only question is how to justify my ogling and drooling so as not to feel like or look like a creepy old man. I offer this as justification:

Less than a hundred years ago, it was quite common for 16-year-old girls to get married and have children. Heck, a few hundred years ago, 13 and 14-year-old girls were getting married and having children. And society seemed to be fine with this. In the 21st century, all I want to do is look at clothed, possibly bikini-clad, teenagers on a televised beauty pageant. While I'm doing that, I might think sexy thoughts and keep them to myself. I think it's OK to do that.

There, I feel better because I've justified my actions.

Crap, let's face it. That was a creepy justification. TV turned me into a pedophile. Damn it. Thanks a lot, jerks.

Now, if you'll excuse me, TiVo just recorded a bunch of teen sitcoms on the Disney Channel and wants me to watch them. Even TiVo thinks I'm a pedophile. Crap.

Wait, what's that? The age of consent is 16 in this state? Oh. Nevermind.

Oh, no shit? The book was better than the movie? Wow, imagine that. Hey, you know what else? Real butter tastes better than turd butter.

I'm a big fan of movies. Not a huge fan, just a big fan. It's not like I'm that dude from Dawson's Creek who lived and dreamed movies, all the while refusing to have sex with Katie Holmes and frustrating the hell out of me. Do her already! No? You just want her to lay next to you in your bed fully clothed while you watch "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" for the 40th time? Homo. You should be invading Katie's snatch instead. Loser.

One of my favorite websites is the Internet Movie Database (IMBd.com). It has everything you'd want to know about every movie, actor, director, key grip, best boy, best man, groomsman, bridesmaid and monkey trainer. There's reviews, rankings, filmographies, plot summaries, quotes, refreshments, slot machines, and a female escort service should you require that as you peruse the website at 3:30 in the AM. I often find myself heading directly to the "user comments" section of IMDb after I watch a movie just to see what other people thought of it. These reviews can be filtered to show only reviews of those who loved a movie, or only those that hated it. I typically only read the "hated it" reviews because they're much more interesting. You get the bible thumpers that hate the movie just because it happened to portray nudity, violence, subversion or the occasional monkey rape scene. They'll hate it even if these scenes were integral to the movie. In "Coco Takes a Late Night Stroll in Central Park", the movie would be nothing without the monkey rape scene. That's the whole plot! By the way, Todd Hinski was the monkey trainer for that movie. He did an excellent job.

You also get reviews from people that hated the movie because they didn't understand it. That's a great way to announce to the public that you are too stupid to understand a movie and might want to get that GED ASAP. Others write that they hated a movie even though they turned it off halfway through. Then they'll say, "Somebody please explain this stupid movie to me!" Well if you would've finished watching, it would've made sense, Poindexter! These people are often retarded and just learned how to type with the aid of a Speak & Spell.

My biggest pet peeve is people who write a "hated it" review because the book was better than the movie. Guess what, jerks, the movie will NEVER be better than it's book predecessor. (There's only a few exceptions: Jaws, The Godfather, Shawshank Redemption, The Shining, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, The Princess Bride, Fight Club, and From Justin to Kelly.) They'll write, "I just loved reading 'The Grapes of Wrath', so I was interested in how well the movie followed the book. I found out that the movie screwed up the story completely, and it didn't even end the same way!" Well no duh, people. No duh indeed. It's called "artistic license." It's called "trying to pack a whole book into 120 minutes and shit happens where key elements from the book need to be cut out." That's what it's called. It's also called "we can't make the movie exactly like the book because it would end up being a 22 hour movie." Dummy.

It's fine to hate a movie, but have good reasons for hating it. Judge the movie on its own merits just as you judged the book. Now, if you'll excuse me, I just rented a DVD called "Coco Searches for Her Car Keys in a Dark Parking Lot" and I'm curious what it's about. Later.

A limited time only? F*@$!!

Taco Bell has stopped serving the Crunchwrap Supreme.

Sons of bitches.

I rolled up to the drive-thru today and found it nowhere on the menu. They've instead replaced it with some sort of vomitous, piece-of-crap Chalupa configuration that nobody will eat. I think it's called the Chunky Puke-a Chalupa. I guess Taco Bell doesn't like to make a lot of money or keep disc-shaped, mess-free, flavor-packed food on the menu that people will eat anytime, anywhere.

Sons of bitches.

Do I have to become like one of these losers that travels around the country following the McRib, Cheddar Melt, or Market Fresh Reuben from city to city? I can't do that. Not for food. I will not travel for the Crunchwrap. I will not travel for the Crunchwrap. Well, maybe to St. Louis, but that's a far as I'll go. Maybe Denver.

Sons of bitches.