This is getting re-goddamn-diculous...

This morning I saw a rusted out 1989 Dodge minivan with spinning rims. I couldn't be any angrier.

Daily Showering Tip (3/31/05)...

If you're bald, there's no need to use shampoo.

Daily Showering Tip (3/30/05)...

Douche is the French word for shower. Try the new word out on a friend or relative. For instance, announce one morning to the breakfast table, "Well, I'm off to douche and shave!" Your multilingualism will impress everyone. Or ask your wife or girlfriend, "Hows about you and I get a little naughty and douche together?" Women love it when guys speak French. In no time you'll be douching like crazy with her.

Daily Showering Tip (3/29/05)...

SHOWER FACT: Queen Elizabeth I only bathed twice in her entire life. Once before a first date with a suitor, and once after the execution of her cousin, Mary Queen of Scots. In 1587, irrefutable evidence of Mary Queen of Scots' involvement in assassination plots came to light, and Elizabeth sadly succumbed to the pressure from her advisors to have the Scottish princess executed. After the execution, all Elizabeth wanted to do was relax alone in a hot bath surrounded by candles and soothing sounds of a babbling brook from a nature CD.

Daily Showering Tip (3/28/05)...

A shower mat can be a breeding ground for mold and bacteria. Luckily, this stuff only grows on the underside of the mat. "Out of sight, out of mind." That's my motto. "What you don't know can't hurt you." That's another motto. "Cleaning the shower mat is a waste of time." Words to live by.

Daily Showering Tip (3/27/05)...

It is best to shower with water. Water is the universal solvent, which makes it the best liquid to use. Bathing experts have long tried to find a better alternative to water, but have come up empty. Liquids that failed to pass the test include:

• rubbing alcohol - cleans well, but shrivels the skin and eyeballs, gets Kitty Dukakis too drunk;
• 1,1,1- trichloroethylene - cleans well, spot free shine, but causes immediate skin and liver cancer;
• mercury - no cleaning properties, too heavy, makes bather look too much like Terminator 2, which scares kids;
• molten lead - kills germs instantly, kills bather instantly;
• rose water with guava, saffron and coconut extract - smells great, cleans well, costs $795 per gallon.

Daily Showering Tip (3/26/05)...

If you're in a rush and looking to save time in the shower, skip washing your legs. They just never get dirty. I mean, when was the last time someone said to you, "Hey, your legs really smell today. You might want to think about washing them."?

Daily Showering Tip (3/25/05)...

Don't forget to bring a towel!

Daily Showering Tip (3/24/05)...

If you're going to commit suicide by slitting your wrists, do it in the shower. It's just common courtesy to not get the floors all bloody.

My lame attempt at an Onion article...

Area Man Doesn't Know Why He Doodled the Word 'Super'

TOPEKA - After getting off the phone with the building commissioner, city building inspector Chuck Garrison noticed that he had doodled the word "super" on his note pad and has no idea why.

"I'm really confused by this. I don't remember what I was talking about with the Commish that would make me write that. I don't think I've ever actually used the word 'super' before. That's a word my grandma would use, not me," said Garrison. "Like when I was a kid and I'd get an 'A' on my report card or something and grandma would say, 'Oh, Chucky, that's super-duper!' Ya know, stuff like that."

Continued Garrison, "Maybe I was thinking about Superman during the call and only finished the first part of his name. I do like Superman. But wouldn't I have capitalized the 'S'? This one's lower case. Or maybe the Commish was talking about a supervisor for a particular building contractor, and I felt it might be necessary to jot that really important information down," Garrison said sarcastically. "That's not likely. I rarely take notes, only doodles, when talking with the Commish because half of what he has to say is bullshit and the other half is brain vomit. But that's a whole different issue."

Garrison admits that in the past he has found unexplained doodles on his note pad, so this newest incident doesn't really surprise him. Aside from the usual spiral, transparent 3-D box, and repetitive scribbling of his own signature, Garrison's past doodles include a spinning bow tie, the word 'tickle', a Star Trek communicator, and something that bore a striking resemblance to a man's scrotum.

"I have an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality, so I will never admit that that was a ballsack," proclaimed Garrison. "My theory is that I started drawing Pig Pen's head from the Peanuts cartoons and didn't get past the neck."

Garrison concluded, "I don't have the greatest memory in the world, so I can't say I remember why I doodled that word today. I'm not super worried about it, though."

NOTE: I just did a search of Onion articles and found one titled, "Area Man Has No Idea Why He Wrote 'Gazebo Convo-Resolve/Tues (!?)' In Planner Six Weeks Ago." It looks like, once again, I am an unoriginal bastard. Why do I even try?

Daily Showering Tip (3/23/05)...

Showers and tubs aren't just for bathing; they have many other uses. Cases in point:

• In one episode of M.A.S.H., Hawkeye and BJ thawed out a whole side of beef by putting it in a hot shower. Unfortunately, the cook made hash instead of steaks (stupid Igor).
• In the very first episode of Three's Company, Jack Tripper spent the night in Janet and Chrissy's shower after a long night of partying. Classic John Ritter physical comedy ensued.
• In an episode of The Simpsons, Homer became a bootlegger and made bathtub gin...in the bathtub. This was much to the dismay of the Rex Banner who was enforcing Springfield's antiquated prohibition laws.
• In an episode of Seinfeld, Kramer installed a garbage disposal in the shower so that he could prepare food while he bathed. This was very disturbing to David Putty, a recovering germiphobe.

So you see, the shower is not only for bathing, but also can serve as the backdrop for many hilarious TV moments.

Daily Showering Tip (3/22/05)...

If you're going to masturbate in the shower, for the love of Pete don't masturbate with this:



Incidentally, my car is also pumice-powered. I'm quite the environmentalist.

Daily Showering Tip (3/21/05)...

The Coriolis Effect does NOT cause water to drain counterclockwise in the northern hemisphere and clockwise in the southern. You see, the Coriolis Effect is an apparent force that is responsible for all of the large-scale weather events occurring on the globe right now. On the small scale of water draining from a basin, though, the effect is negligible. What does this have to do with showering? Fuck if I know. Hey, here's a riddle: What do you get when you cross an octopus with a monkey? Fuck if I know, but it sure can toss a lot of feces.

Vacation

Oh, by the way, I was in Hawai'i last week. I'm back now. I suppose I could have announced that BEFORE I left, but whatever. There's probably only about 5 returning visitors to this blog anyway. If you 5 are true fans, you'll be back tomorrow for more showering tips.

P.S. I got a hell of a sunburn.

Daily Showering Tip (3/11/05)...

When camping or hiking, opportunities to shower are few and far between. And portable showers just aren't practical. Your best bet is to find a waterfall that provides fresh mountain spring water. This may take a few hours or even a few weeks of hiking, but it'll be worth it. Stand under the waterfall and lather up with Herbal Essences® Fruit Fusions Dry/Damaged Hair Shampoo and follow up with Herbal Essences® Rainforest Flowers Normal Hair Conditioner. As you do this, throw your hair around wildly and cry out with delight. Then place both bottles strategically on a rock in the foreground. Make sure some lather is running down the sides of the bottles. Continue showering out of focus in the background. Toss in some fresh flowers and butterflies. Cut. Print it. Next commercial.

Daily Showering Tip (3/10/05)...

When you're on a business trip, your clothes are bound to get wrinkled in the suitcase. If you'd rather not take the time to iron jackets and pants, here's an easy alternative to dewrinkle your dress clothes. Just use the steam from the shower in your hotel room. Simply turn the shower on hot, hang the garment on the shower rod, and let the steam do the work of relaxing the fabric and removing the wrinkles. Easy. And while you're at it, hang your wrinkled grandma up there, too. Not by the neck, though. We don't want to kill grandma; we just want to dewrinkle her.

On second thought, who in their right mind brings their grandma on a business trip? Unless grandma is herself a business person. Hmm, sounds like a good movie. We'll call it "Wall Street Grandma" starring Estelle Getty. She's old, she's tough, and she means BUSINESS.

Krispy Khicken

There have been many strange, ironic, and even delicious automobile accidents over the years. Who could forget when the peanut butter truck collided with the chocolate truck? Or when the pillow truck collided with the marshmallow truck (no injuries reported)? Or how about that Far Side cartoon where "Bob’s Assorted Rodents" collides with "Al’s Small, Flightless Birds" truck while the cat looks on from inside the house? Well, there was another strange accident reported today in the Indianapolis Star. I've heard of steak & eggs and even chicken & waffles, but I've never heard of chicken & doughnuts. This accident definitely makes me want to try it though. Me so hungry.

Daily Showering Tip (3/9/05)...

Bathing presents many dangers to the elderly. There is the danger of slipping on wet surfaces and fracturing brittle bones. There is the risk of scolding due to a slower response in adjusting water temperature. There is even a risk of drowning. Because of all of these clear and present dangers, the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), along with Modern Maturity magazine, recommend that the elderly simply not bathe. So please join me in supporting our unbelievably stinky elderly and accepting them into society.

Daily Showering Tip (3/8/05)...

Showering is fun, but don't spend too much time in there. You might get prune hands. What are prune hands, you ask? Well, if you think of pre-shower hands as plum hands you'll understand. See, plums are dried in the sun to make prunes. So in the shower, when your hands are soaking in water too long, they become like prunes. Wait, that doesn't make any sense. You DRY plums to get prunes, so why would you get prune hands if your hands get too WET? That's a contradiction. It would be more accurate to call them sponge hands or something because sponges swell up when they're wet just like your hands. Yeah, forget that bit about the prune hands. Just block it from your memory.

So let me rephrase that. Don't spend too much time in the shower because you might get sponge hands. Just ask this little girl who spent 4 hours in the shower:

Daily Showering Tip (3/7/05)...

Shower curtain rings can make fun earings for teenage girls living in 1987.

Daily Showering Tip (3/6/05)...

SHOWER FACT: When athletes "hit the showers" they don't actually rain blows upon the shower with their fists. It just means they go into the locker room and take a shower. Nothing more. And it makes sense when you think about it. I mean, why would an athlete be so angry with the shower? Was it the shower that cheated on him with the starting 2nd basemen? No, it was that no-good wife of his. That's OK, she'll get hers. One of these days, she'll get hers.

Daily Showering Tip (3/5/05)...

State parks, locker rooms, and college dorms all have the dreaded communal showers to contend with. Who knows who's been in that shower. Maybe it was this guy:



So who knows what sorts of bacteria are breeding on the shower floor just waiting to pounce on your bare feet. It's an unsettling thought. To protect against athlete's foot or other foot infections, the best method is to wear water-proof sandals in a communal shower. But don't wear socks with the sandals. That's a fashion no-no.

Daily Showering Tip (3/4/05)...

Here's a tip to save on your water bill. When showering, wet your hair and body, then turn the water off while you apply the soap and shampoo. Then turn the water back on again to rinse off. You can conserve about 5 gallons of water per shower using this method. And since tap water averages about 0.002 cents per gallon, you've just saved a whole one-hundredth of a cent per shower, which translates to $3.65 per year! Wow! Now you can buy that McGriddle combo meal you've been wanting. Now that's what I call good CENTS. Ha ha ha ha ha....

Homosexuality in America...

Demographics experts (demographers) estimate that about 1 to 2% of the population is homosexual. Well I have proof otherwise. It's actually way higher. How do I know this? Just check the current Nielson ratings. A show called "American idol" had about 30 million viewers on February 22nd. As we all know, contestants on the show tend to sing what I like to call "the gayest songs on the planet." Songs by Burt Bacharach, Dione Warwick, Barbara Striesand, and Whitney Houston to name a few. Not surprisingly, a quick Chi-squared test indicates a direct correlation between viewers of American Idol and the homosexuality of those viewers. Therefore, we know that at least 30 million Americans are homosexuals. The population of this country is very near 300 million people. Therefore, the conservative low-end estimate would be that 10% of the population is gay. After factoring in ratings from shows like "Queer as Folk", "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy", "Ambush Makeover", "Surprise by Design", "Trading Spaces", "Ready, Steady, Spaghetti" (I think I made that one up), "3-2-1 Contact", and "Law & Order: HVU" (Homosexual Victims Unit), a better estimate would be that 50% of the population is homosexual. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

QED

Daily Showering Tip (3/3/05)...

Horror movies such as Psycho tell us that many people are murdered while showering. How embarrassing for the murder victim to be found naked by homicide detectives. Naughty bits and all exposed for the whole world to see. Avoid this embarrassment by wearing swim trunks or a bikini when showering. A clothed corpse is a confident corpse.

More like Space CRAP...

I came across the movie "Space Camp" (1986) last weekend. It stars Kate Capshaw as camp instructor Andie Bergstrom and a young Lea Thompson as one of her students, Kathryn Fairly. Basic plot: kids go to space camp, kids participate in a booster rocket test firing, kids get "accidentally" launched into space by a too-cute robot named Jinx (because *robot voice* "Max and Jinx, friends forever."), kids use their kid know-how, kid teamwork, and kid creativity to save the day. I had seen this probably 5 times as a kid and loved it. But looking on it with the eyes of an adult, my views have changed. Here's my review of the movie. First, in Haiku form:

Kids as astronauts?
That's highly implausible.
Pass the grape soda.

This movie is ridiculous. Since when does NASA test fully fueled booster rockets on the launch pad while attached to a space shuttle filled with kids!? And why would they only have short range-radios on board at test time? Did they have to remove the long-range radios in order to clean them or re-wire them or something? Ridiculous! And thank God that space station was nearby so the kids could top up the oxygen tanks. I was starting to sweat there. I think NASA stands for Nerds And Stupid Assholes because, according to this movie, that seems to be who's running that organization. That's probably who produced this movie, too. By the way, Kathryn Fairly (Lea Thompson) gives a fairly lame performance. I give Space Camp one star (*).

Editor's note: I thought of the idea for a Haiku movie review on my own, but it seems that Haiku Movie Reviews beat me to it. So did Dimspace Movie Page, Crazy Mofos, and this guy. OK, and this guy, too. I'm an unoriginal bastard.

Daily Showering Tip (3/2/05)...

The term "baby shower" is a misnomer as babies prefer baths. To prove this, I polled 100 babies:

More phun with Photoshop...

Me, pre- sex change, 1952.

Daily Showering Tip (3/1/05)...

Showering in prison really isn't that big of a deal. In the movies, they always make it seem like if you drop the soap, some big, semi-retarded, bald-headed guy named Moose or Grossberger will immediately pounce on the opportunity to anally invade you while you're bending over to pick up the soap. Preposterous. In reality, Moose will pursue you slowly over the course of several weeks. Once you submit to his advances, he'll then gradually get you used to the idea of anal invasion. When it finally happens, it'll just be no big deal.