Joke of the week that starts out good, but the punchline falls flat, then you realize that the joke is pretty funny regardless...

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots two houses, so he goes up to the first house and sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man masturbating. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says, “What’s up with your neighbors?” And the owner of the house says, “Oh, that’s the Robinson’s. They’re both deaf.”

Daily Showering Tip (5/31/05)...

SHOWER FACT: Soap scum is a residue of dirt, calcium, iron, and soap left over from the showering process. This is not to be confused with "pope scrum", which is a circular mass of cardinals, arms locked and heads down, in a struggle to gain possession of the papalcy.

Daily Showering Tip (5/27/05)...

By the time she gets back to the garage after crashing on turn 1, lap 1 of the Indianapolis 500, Danica Patrick will probably be very sweaty and dirty. A bad, filthy little girl. In accordance with Indianapolis 500 non-rule policy document 29B, all hot, female drivers are required to strip off their racing suits and hose themselves down on camera. Take note, Danica. The world will be watching to see that you comply.

By the way, it should be noted that last year, Sarah Fisher started hosing herself down in order to comply with 29B, but was stopped by the committee because she wasn't hot enough. She was ordered to shower at home.

Daily Showering Tip (5/26/05)...

Cleaning your eyelids is an essential part of showering. When was the last time you cleaned yours? Are you sure? I'm telling you, don't neglect them because here's what happens to those that do:

Daily Showering Tip (5/25/05)...

"I do my best thinking in the shower." Many people say this, including myself. Albert Einstein said this, too. Rumor has it that he thought of the "Twin Paradox" while showering. The Twin Paradox is an experiment derived from Einstein's relativity theory. It says that if one twin is sent into space at a rate near the speed of light, then returns to earth after 8 years, he will be 2 years younger than the twin that stayed on earth. Well, I feel I've upstaged Einstein with my "Monkey Paradox" that I devised one morning while showering. The Monkey Paradox says that if a monkey flings his feces into space at a rate near the speed of light, when the feces returns 8 years later, it'll be twice as stinky, but only half as flingable.

Joke of the week that starts out good, but the punchline falls flat, then you realize that the joke is pretty funny regardless...

Two giraffes are screwing a gorilla outside of a bar that a priest walks into. The priest goes up to the bartender and says, “Sir, do you know that you have crazy animals committing sin outside?” And the bartender says, “Is my mother out there again?” The priest looks confused and says, “No.” Then the bartender says, “Oh.” Then they stand in silence for a long, long time. Then the priest says, “Oh, what the hell, give me a damn Schlitz.”

Daily Showering Tip (5/24/05)...

Have you ever noticed that the shower curtain has a tendency to blow in and cling to your ankles while you're trying to take a shower? It's an annoying aspect of showering, but why does it happen? Well, there's a simple scientific explanation. You see, as the warm air generated by the hot shower water rises, that air is replaced by cooler air from outside the shower. Because the movement of this cool air is impeded by the shower curtain, the cool air pushes against the curtain and blows it against your ankles. One way to prevent this is to eliminate any temperature differentials between the outside and inside of the shower. In other words, if you heat the bathroom first, there will be no circulation of warm and cool air, and no blowing curtain. Unfortunately, with rising heating costs, you may want to use an alternative solution. The best alternative, I find, is to cut several 6-inch diameter holes throughout the shower curtain so that the cool air can easily pass through. Your bathroom floor will get wet, but your ankles will be unmolested.

Daily Showering Tip (5/23/05)...

In older homes with less sophisticated plumbing, flushing the toilet will have a dramatic effect on the temperature of the shower. Without warning, the shower will become extremely hot, which usually results in one pissed off bather. Here's a tip to prevent this from ever happening again. Let's say your little shit brother comes in and uses the toilet while you're in the shower. Of course he'll flush and you'll go ballistic. It's revenge time, so here's what you do. First, hook up a hot water line to the toilet. Then, next time he's using the toilet, burst in, grab his little face and plunge it into the toilet water. Now turn the shower on cold and flush the toilet. This will have the opposite effect of making the toilet water extremely hot. And there you have it. He'll have a face full of hot turd water. That'll learn him.

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/20/05)...

"Myeah, see? Here's a tip, Moses, if you enjoy showering so much, you shouldn't set off to wander the desert for 40 years, see? Myeah! There's not a drop of water in the whole joint, see? Myeah! Where's your showers now, Moses? Where's your showers now! Myeah! I'm gonna stick here with my false idols, see? You can't catch me, copper!" -- Edward G. Robinson as Dathan in "The Ten Commandments"

Joke of the week that starts out good, but the punchline falls flat, then you realize that the joke is pretty funny regardless...

Three hillbillies are sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly says, “My wife is so dumb, yesterday she bought a brand new stove, and we ain’t even got electricity!” The second hillbilly says, “My wife is stupider than yers. Yesterday she brings home a new washin’ machine, and we ain’t even got runnin' water!” The third hillbilly says, “My wife is even stupider!” They all agreed, having recently met the third hillbilly’s wife.

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/19/05)...

"Fear is the path to cleanliness. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to fighting. Fighting leads to rolling around in the dirt. Rolling around in the dirt leads to sho-wer-ing." -- Yoda, Jedi Master

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/18/05)...

"Greetings, American scum. Praise Allah. I speak to you from the black caves of Atawalabiazbara in upper eastern Afghanistan. Don't worry, oil-grubbing fools, this tape was recorded weeks ago. I'm not here now, so forget about dropping your cave-busting nukes, you imperialist dirtbags. Praise Allah. I have been asked by one of your capitalist slaves, Jimmy Joe Johnson, to provide a showering tip for his web log. It is sickening to me that your resource-devouring, money-hungry pig of nation would find the time to worry about bathing when it's that very way of life that directly threatens the fundamental values of...oh screw it. I need to speak truthfully here. I'm dying for a shower. I haven't had one in years. There's no such thing as a shower in these stupid, dry, hot, dusty desert caves. I don't even know if I remember how to shower, let alone give a useful showering tip. Oh, how I long for a nice cool shower! A cool shower sure makes you feel good on a hot day. Hey, there's a tip! Oh, who cares. I'm feeling blue. Leave me to my sorrows. Praise Allah." -- Osama bin Laden, terrorist

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/17/05)...

"As the only homosexual to ever play professional baseball, showering with a bunch of straight guys was pretty uncomfortable in the beginning. I had a hard time not staring, which made everyone else uncomfortable, too. So let me give you a tip. If you find yourself in this situation, do what I did and just go ahead and act on those gay urges and hit on your teammates. Chances are they'll probably let you do whatever you want to them in the shower because they know it'll help build team unity, which translates to wins out on the field of play. But you know, it's ironic. I won't go into details, but although I'm a catcher on the field, I'm definitely a pitcher in the shower." -- Mike Piazza, New York Mets

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/16/05)...

"As the only heterosexual to ever play women's softball, showering with a bunch of lesbians was pretty scary and uncomfortable in the beginning. It was almost like I could feel their eyes on me. Leering, scanning, probing. So let me give you a tip. If you find yourself in this situation, do what I did and just go ahead and submit to the lesbians' sexual advances. Let them do whatever they want to you. It keeps them happy and helps build team unity, which translates to wins out on the field of play. But you know, it's ironic. I won't go into details, but although I'm a pitcher on the field, I'm definitely a catcher in the shower." -- Jennie Finch, softball pitcher

People won't come, Ray...

I think it's time for another retro movie review. This time, let's take a look at "Field of Dreams", which I caught on TV the other day. Here's my review. First, in Haiku form:

Baseball dreams come true
On an Iowa cornfield.
This movie still sucked.

Field of Dreams is not a good movie. First of all, the casting is flipping redonkulous, if I may borrow a term coined by Tina Fey on SNL Weekend Update. As we all know, Kevin Costner is a noted lame actor. See "Water World", "Dragonfly", "3000 Miles to Graceland", "For Love of the Game", "The Bodyguard", "Bull Durham" (yes, Bull Durham sucked, get over it) and "The Postman." Not since "The Untouchables" has he made a good movie, and even then he made Eliot Ness seem like an absolute pussy. Anyway, as we all know, he plays Ray Kinsella in the movie: the patriarch, half-farmer, half-ballfield builder, and hearer of whispered, ambiguous phrases. He kidnaps James Earl Ray, who I think shot Lincoln. No, wait, it was James Earl Jones that shot Kennedy. That's it. Anyway, he kidnaps Darth Vader because he wrote an article about baseball or something. The point is that not even the voice of CNN could save this movie. I mean, Roy Jones, Jr. is a good actor. I really respect him. That's my little joke. Of course I mean James Earl Jones. A great actor who's wasted on this turd film. And don't get me started on that red-headed wife of Ray Kinsella's, Amy Madigan. She's not pretty and she makes my skin crawl every time she speaks. She has a grating voice that sounds like she smokes about 3 packs of cigs and a cuban every hour on the hour. I think she originally left a bad taste in my mouth as John Candy's love interest in "Uncle Buck." Did you know that "Uncle Buck" and "Field of Dreams" were made in the same year, 1989? Interesting fact for me to poop on. Anyway, this movie would be WAY better if they would have cast a significantly hotter chick for the role of Annie Kinsella, like Elisabeth Shue or Kim Basinger (pronounced Bass-in-jur).

Hey, here's another sucky thing about "Field of Dreams." How about when Ray's daughter falls 6 feet off the back of the bleachers and takes a header onto some nice hard Iowan soil? Ray stops his wife from calling 911 and just sits there and waits to see if a ballplayer-turned-doctor ghost MIGHT just find the time to come over and lend a hand. In the meantime, the little girl's brain is being deprived of precious oxygen due to a giant hunk of ballpark hot dog jammed into her larnyx. FOR FUCK SAKE, RAY, THIS IS NO TIME TO AID A GHOST ON HIS PATH TO THE AFTERLIFE! SAVE YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER! And then the ballplayer-turned-doctor whacks the kid on the back and the no-longer-hot-but-now-body-temperature dog flies out. Kid fine. Well anyone could have fucking done that! Shit! Thank God the ghost was there to whack my kid on the back and save her life. Phew! Then two minutes later the little girl is smiling and carrying on like she DIDN'T just almost die in the hot Iowa sunshine. Someone needs to teach that kid about the finality of death. Then maybe she'll fear death rather than carry on like life is just a fun game where daddy hears voices and ghosts play baseball. (Interesting side note: the little girl was played by Gaby Hoffman who was also in "Uncle Buck." Methinks I see a pattern here. Let's just thank the good Lord that Macaulay Culkin wasn't cast as some sort of ghost that was left home without parents only to set several crafty booby traps to thwart the attempts of Joe Pesci to steal the family underpants.)

So, at the end of the movie, James Earl Jones and all the ballplayers have disappeared into the corn field abyss to sleep or haunt or roam the night like any ghost would do. Only Ray's ghost dad remains (Another horrible movie, by the way, "Ghost Dad" starring Bill Cosby). Ray and his spooky father play catch while the obligatory movie-ending helicopter camera shot rises up to reveal a redonkulously long line of cars funneling into the Kinsella farm. Now, first of all, where the hell are they all going to park? Second of all, all the ball players are GONE. What are these people going to watch? Ray and his ghost dad play catch? Ghost or no ghost, that would be pretty lame to watch. So these people drop $20 apiece to watch some long overdue father-son bonding. What a ripoff. I could take a family of 4 to a GOOD movie, then feed them all at Popeyes, and STILL come out ahead.

On a sassy scale of 3.7 to 12, I give this movie a 6.5.

P.S. Do you want to see a REAL field of dreams? Here you go:


The Ganja

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/13/05)...

"Sometimes the force of the water spraying from the shower head literally blows me clear across the other side of the shower. One time I broke a hip. And my hair keeps falling out. And I'm just tired all the time. I can barely stand. Anyway, make sure to hold on tight when showering." -- Calista Flockhart, actress

Joke of the Week that Nobody Except Me Understands Because I'm Super Smart and Everyone Else Has Limited Powers of Comprehension...

Werner Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am."

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/12/05)...

(The following celebrity showering tip was submitted posthumously.)



"Hi, friends, I'm certainly glad you could join me today. If you want a fluffy little afro like mine, I recommend using a nice leave-in conditioner. Now let's get back to the fan brush. We'll just load it up with some Van Dyke brown. And now a little Alizarin crimson. There. Now let's put a giant tree trunk right here in the middle of this mountainscape. There we go. A happy little tree. Super." -- Bob Ross, artist, 1942-1995

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/11/05)...

"'Shower the people you love with love. Show them the way that you feel. Things are gonna work out fine if you only will.' Well that sounded pretty sappy, didn't it? Boy, I have GOT to stop smoking the ganja." -- James Taylor

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/10/05)...

"Uh, freedom's on the march. We're gonna get these...evil-doers. It's an axis of evil. They hate...freedom and democracy. The American people are...uh...resolute. Hey, what the hell's a showering tip? Condi, help me out here." -- George W. Bush

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/9/05)...

"If you're brazen enough to shoot 'roids in the shower after a game, at least make sure it's nice and steamy in there so nobody can really make out what you're doing." -- Barry Bonds

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/8/05)...

"Some people don't like the idea of showering with children. Well what’s wrong with sharing your shower with a child, offering them the place where you bathe and making them feel special? It's the most beautiful thing a person can do in this world." -- Michael Jackson

Daily Showering Tip: Celebrity Edition (5/7/05)...

"Yeah, here's a muthafuckin' showering tip. Make sure you wash ya ass, yo. Spread and scrub, dog, spread and scrub." -- Rapper 50 Cent

Daily Showering Tip (5/6/05)...

Kids, as much as your stuffed animals might beg for a shower during your daily "make believe" sessions, don't give them one. In reality, they'll just get water logged and eventually mildewed, which will make mommy and daddy mad. So let's practice, kids. Let's say your stuffed monkey, Kookamunga, has just finished "knocking boots" with a Pretty Pretty Princess. Kookamunga will probably say to the princess in a sort of deep, Barry White-type voice, "Oh, Princess Hotpants, I feel so dirty after what we just did. Let's go take a shower together!" That's your cue to put the dolls down, lie down on the couch, and simply imagine what will happen next. That way, everybody's happy.

Daily Showering Tip (5/5/05)

The universal sign for shower is above. You'll see it at dormitories, at campsites, in laboratories and in whorehouses.

Because whores are dirty.

Daily Showering Tip (5/4/05)...

SHOWER FACT: The world's largest shower was constructed at the 1998 Burning Man festival in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada. It included over 400 stalls and had the capacity to supply up to 3000 gallons of fresh water per minute. It could potentially bathe up to 25,000 people per day. Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, for the entire duration of the week-long festival, not one stinking hippie bothered to use it.

Joke of the Week that Nobody Except Me Understands Because I'm Super Smart and Everyone Else Has Limited Powers of Comprehension...

Rene Descartes sits down for lunch at a Parisian restaurant. The waitress asks for his order. He orders a hamburger. The waitress inquires, "Would you like fries with that?" Descartes says, "I think not," ...and instantly disappears. Cogito, ergo sum indeed.

Well, I'm back...

I live to die another day. I would still like someone to blow up the moon though.

If I die today...

I'm off to do an inspection in White Trash County. I don't anticipate that I'll survive because, let's face it, it's impossible to explain to Jed Clampett that he can't burn animal parts from his meat packing business in a regular wood-burning furnace. Rather than listen to reason, they usually just try to shoot you. If I don't make it, I ask that my friends please publish my Daily Showering Tips and have them displayed in the Health section of every Borders in the country. They should sell for $8.99 and the proceeds shall go to the development of a hilarious edible cummerbund...for kids. The cummerbund should sell for $14.99 and the proceeds shall go to the development of a cheap way to blow up the moon. The moon does nothing for humans but wreak havoc with it's deadly tides and full-moon crime sprees.

If anyone needs to access my bank accounts, etc., my username and password for everything I do is:

username: buttbuttbutt
password: poopnumber2

I bequeath my computer to the local high school (I deleted all the porn and illegal music last night). I bequeath my Yahtzee score card collection to my brothers to be split up as they see fit. To be fair, the highest scores (875 high game) should probably go to the eldest. Those are worth, like, a lot of money.

In the event that I am "Shiavo'd", please pull the plug or the feeding tube or whatever it is that's keeping me alive. Then cremate me and scatter my ashes on both Pluto and the moon. Then blow up the moon and scatter its ashes on Mars for which to make fertile soil for our pioneering astro-men of the 24th-and-a-half century.

Oh, and I rented a couple DVD's last week. They're due back by midnight.

Daily Showering Tip (5/3/05)...

Sometimes a drunk person needs to get sober quickly. For instance, an airline pilot who's had too many scotch and sodas at Wing Nutz or Sky Bar. One popular method for quickly sobering up a drunk is to throw them into a cold shower. Unfortunately, just as hot coffee has no real sobering effects, the cold shower method is also ineffective. Alcohol is eliminated from the bloodstream at a fairly constant rate by the liver, and dousing someone in cold water will not change that. The only thing that can sober up a drunk is time. But throw that drunk ass in a cold shower anyway. He won't know the difference. Have a little fun with the drunk. Don't forget to use a magic marker to draw wieners around his butthole.

Daily showering Tip (5/2/05)...

Beer showers are a special kind of shower reserved mainly for athletes. You'll usually see athletes shower each other with beer and champagne in the locker room after winning a world championship, for instance. From the perspective of the stands, though, it is important to realize that it is our duty as drunken sports fanatics to shower those athletes that absolutely piss us off with a nice, sudsy, 24 oz., 6 dollar beer. Because if he doesn't catch that routine fly ball next time, I'll be throwing batteries or cell phones rather than just beer.

New Cat Food Angers Feline Parents

BACKYARD, Texas - Sprinkles and Jeepers, founders of COOK (Cats Opposed to Obese Kittens) and parents of kitten Sgt. Fluffybuns, expressed outrage today over the release of a new cat food product they say is being marketed directly to the nations already overweight kittens.



Tender Skittles is a new product recently released by Purina, the makers of the wildly popular Tender Vittles cat food. Tender Skittles is basically human Skittles candy that has been placed in a cat food box. One serving of Tender Skittles contains 830 calories, 156 grams of sugar and 2,329% of a kitten's daily dose of Vitamin C. In only 2 weeks, the product has sold over 14 million units.

"Meow! How can this possibly be good for the health of my Fluffybuns, let alone any other kitten in America meow meow?" asked Sprinkles. "Sure, meow, it's ultimately up to the parents to control what their kittens eat meow meow meow, but Purina isn't making the feline parent's job of raising healthy kittens any easier, meow meow. We'll meow this all the way to the Supreme Meow if we meow meow!"

Purina spokespersons were not available for comment.

Daily Showering Tip (5/1/05)...

No, kitty! Get out of the shower that's a BAD KITTY!