Daily Showering Tip (4/30/05)...

Besides humans, the only other animal on the planet that actually enjoys a shower is the bird. This guy in the picture likes to shower together with his bird. And that's fine. It's a good way to bond with his pet. The guy looks way too happy, though, and I just hope he doesn't get it into his head that the bird should sit on the ol' "skin perch", if you know what I mean. People make me sick.

Joke of the Week that Nobody Except Me Understands Because I'm Super Smart and Everyone Else Has Limited Powers of Comprehension...

Daily Showering Tip (4/29/05)...

You've probably overheard people say (and you've probably said it yourself), "I'm going to go jump in the shower." Well, it's a ridiculous statement because nobody actually "jumps" in the shower. That's inviting a serious injury. It usually just means they're going to take a rather quick shower. To avoid confusion, people should simply say, "I'm going to take a shower."

Actually, now that I think about, that's not right either. I mean, if you "take a shower", where do you then put it? How about, "I'm going to go stand under the shower." No, that doesn't work because "under the shower" is literally the first floor, basement or crawl space. Makes no sense. OK, how about, "I'm going to go stand nude under the warm water that sprays out of the shower head." Yeah, that's good. Everybody say that.

Daily Showering Tip (4/28/05)...

Some showers don't hold a constant temperature very well. You're forever adjusting and readjusting the knobs to keep the water tolerable. This can be very frustrating and takes the pleasure completely out of the showering experience. If you own a shower such as this, don't call a plumber to fix it. That's too expensive. You can save money by doing it yourself in 6 easy steps:

1) Shut off the water line servicing the shower.

2) Expose the plumbing by using a hammer to dislodge any ceramic tile and/or use a reciprocating saw to cut through plywood and sheetrock.

3) Locate the hot and cold water lines and label them as such.

4) Using a 32 oz. fester wrench, disconnect the dorry flange on the hot water line from the positive pressure feedback valve on the cold water line. Using a standard metal integrity sensor, inspect the valve for signs of corrosion, scorching or metal fatigue, and discard the valve if either of these problems exist at a range outside that recommended by OSHA. If the valve is OK, cleanse it with methyl ethyl ketone and reconnect the assembly. If the valve is faulty, but within OSHA integrity ranges, continue to step 5.

5) The faulty valve can be repaired using a two-component bonding resin known as FlowNail. Component A of FlowNail should be at least 45% MDI. Check the Material Safety Data Sheet (MSDS) for compliance. Mix component A and component B in a plastic cup using only a wooden tongue depressor. But first, put on nitrile gloves and a positive air purifying respirator (PAPR). Now apply liberally to the valve making sure not to clog the threads. Let dry 72 hours before reconnecting the plumbing assembly. In lieu of repairing the valve, a new one may be purchased from NASA once the appropriate permit application has been filed.

6) Enjoy your shower.

Marco Smurf and the Pepper Pirates

Lest anyone forget the lyrics to the Pepper Pirate song from the Smurfs episode titled "Marco Smurf and the Pepper Pirates":

Oh, we are the Pepper Pirates,
We sail the seven seas,
Spices are our business,
So pass the pepper please.
Achoo!
Achoo!
Achoo achoo achoo!

Daily Showering Tip (4/27/05)...

Boogers. Mucus. Phlegm. Green stuff. Who likes 'em? Not me. Well, occasionally I'll indulge myself, but that's beside the point. The point is that when you wake up in the morning, you've usually accumulated one or all of these things in your system, and they need to be cleared out. Green phlegm should be cleared from the chest, and boogers from the nose. And what better place to do that than in the shower? Just hack and blow to your heart's content. The water carries everything down the drain and out of sight. But beware of the errant booger. I've noticed a few healthy green globules that have probably been on my shower wall for close to a month. These have become hard like cement. Brushes, scrapers, soaps and solvents do nothing to remove them. Unfortunately, errant cement boogers need to be gnawed off.

Daily Showering Tip (4/26/05)...

Dealing with a broken bone can mean more than just dealing with the pain. How can you bathe without getting the cast wet as the doctor ordered? Well, some people hold the cast outside the shower curtain, which doesn't work very well, especially if the cast is on a leg. Some people buy plastic bags specially designed to fit over leg and arm casts. This is a better option, but still sort of awkward. The best option is to have the doctor fit a cast lined with waterproof Gortex. No bags or any other fancy contraptions are needed. The cast can be worn in the shower, in the pool, or even while floating down a lazy river on a hot summer day.

Um, I think that was a legitimate showering tip. I'm scared.

Daily Showering Tip (4/25/05)...

The perfect licensing opportunity for any celebrity is to market their own soap-on-a-rope. What better way for people to remember you than to have them use your face to wash their armpits? It worked for Mr. T, didn't it? With Mr. T, showering has never been so much fun. Mr. T pities da foo' who don't use his soap-on-a rope! Clean is mean! Don't be a dope, buy my soap!

There is also an added benefit to using Mr. T-on-a-rope. As Mr. T dissolves, he becomes Gary Coleman-on-a-rope. I challenge you to find one person that wouldn't want to wash their arse with Gary Coleman.

Daily Showering Tip (4/24/05)...

SHOWER FACT: Despite the weightlessness, astronauts can actually shower in outer space. The above picture shows the shower on Skylab, which was America's first space station. The collapsible, cylindrical shower enclosure was attached to the floor, and the astronaut drew it up around him for use. The water flows through a push-button shower head attached to a flexible hose, and is siphoned off by a vacuum system. In 1973, Skylab astronaut Jack Lousma offered this advice to future users of the space shower: "Keep your private parts away from the vacuum. I learned the hard way."

Daily Showering Tip (4/23/05)...

Showers are for bathing. Don't waste water washing a beer can dressed up as a pirate.

Daily Showering Tip (4/22/05)...

Cracking an ice cold beer in a steaming hot shower is the ultimate nightcap after a long night of drinking. It's like a Nirvanic yin-yang of hot and cold, right and wrong, clean and dirty. What's cool is that when it's time to pee, you can just let 'er go, man. Who cares, right? Not me, man! Fuck it. I'm jus' gonna dzrink dis beer, an' take my fuckin' shower, an' go da bed. Mm hmm. Hey! Where'd my beer go!?! Oh, zere you are. On da soap dish. Soap is dope. HA! Soap-a-dope. Ali says soap-a-dope. Heya beer! You thought you could get away, didn'tcha? DIDN'TCHA!?! Weeeell I'm just put you in my belly then. Kay?

Daily Showering Tip (4/21/05)...

Hair sweaters are fun for the whole family, but cleaning them can be a rather "hairy" situation. Ha ha ha. *wipe a tear* Anyway, many of the ordinary shampoos leave the hair coarse, dry, itchy and hard to manage. To combat these problems, I recommend Avo Derm Dog Shampoo for your hair sweater. AvoDerm shampoo helps renew the oils your coat needs to stay shiny and healthy year-round. And also remember that eating lots of fish, chicken, and grains will keep the coat smooth and luxurious. We all know how much the ladies like to run their fingers through our hair, right fellas?

Daily showering Tip (4/20/05)...

With obesity reaching epidemic proportions in this country, a greater number of people are simply too fat to shower. Some are too fat to stand, let alone climb into a shower. Some just plain don't fit in the shower. Baths are no better for the same reasons. You might think that sponge baths would be an adequate bathing alternative. Wrong. Sponge baths are ineffective in the long-term and should only be used in pornographic situations involving a female nurse and a female patient who checked herself into the hospital because her new boyfriend's huge wiener gave her back pains. The only viable alternative is for all of the public swimming pools in every town in America to designate Tuesday from 1:00 to 1:15 as bath time for the nation's obese.

Habemus papam!

VATICAN CITY - As white smoke rose from the Sistine Chapel chimney and bells rang Tuesday, the world knew that a new pope had been elected. The identity was revealed shortly after as Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany emerged as Pope Benedict XVI above a capacity crowd at St. Peter's Square.

The Pope began his address to the crowd by saying, "Webster's Dictionary defines 'Pope' as 'the bishop of Rome and head of the Roman Catholic Church on earth.' So relax, Pope Xendelgorn VII of Jupiter. Your job is safe." which resulted in thunderous laughter from the crowd.

The jocularity continued as the Pope said, "In addition, Webster's Dictionary defines 'benedict' as 'a newly married man who was previously considered a confirmed bachelor.' Well, perhaps married to my work anyway!" which was rewarded with more laughter and applause.

The Pope finished with a few jokes about eggs benedict and then wrapped up with a quick prayer. So there you have it. Habemus papam, everybody!

Daily Showering Tip (4/19/05)...

Once again, I just can't emphasize enough the importance of showering regularly. Showering keeps you young and healthy by washing away the very impurities that can steal away youth and vigor. Need more proof? Take my favorite actor, Abe Vigoda, for instance. In "The Godfather IV: Fredo's Revenge", Abe's character was in a coma through the whole movie. For the sake of realism, Abe was not allowed to shower for the entire 4 months of filming. Here's a before shot of Abe (man, was he distinguished):



And here he is now:



Today, Abe can only find work as a member of Howard Stern's "Wack Pack."

Papal Conclave...

As we all know, 115 cardinals are convening at the Vatican in a conclave to elect a successor to Pope John Paul II. But does it bother anyone besides me that an anagram for PAPAL CONCLAVE is NAACP CLAP LOVE? Are the cardinals trying to tell us in code that the civil rights organization loves "the clap" a.k.a. gonorrhea? That would be very troubling news. What would the NAACP have to gain by supporting a sexually transmitted disease? One can only imagine. But let's not jump to conclusions. Luckily, there is another anagram that may have a much more benign message:

VOCAL PECAN PAL

I think we all know a certain personified legume that is probably very good friends with a pecan:

Daily Showering Tip (4/18/05)...

It is absolutely essential that you shower regularly. Showering literally washes away impurities that can take years off your life. Want proof? Well, in one unfortunate incident, my favorite actress, Jessica Alba, was playing the part of a homeless person and couldn't shower for the entire 3 months of filming. Here's a before shot (man, was she beautiful):



And look at her now:



Today, the only work Jessica can find is doing guest appearances on Conan O'Brien.

Daily Showering Tip (4/17/05)...

You can wash off more than just dirt in the shower.

Daily Showering Tip (4/16/05)...

Use a shower cap if you're a grandma and don't want your hair to get wet when showering. Other uses for shower caps include:

• prevent dripping after using a home hair colouring kit
• protective cover for fine dishware
• boot liners
• portable, collapsible emergency bed pan for your car
• parachute for G.I. Joe guys
• condom

More drinking stunk...

Here's a typical snippet of a conversation at a tripe shop:

"Surely you don't expect me to swallow that tripe?"

"Yes I do, and don't call me Shirley."

Drinking stunk...

Ahhhh, there's nothing like posting a drunken message to your blog. Hey, here's a bunch (3) of crazy pictures of kids:

Climbing through a huge rectum teaches children about the importance of colo-rectal care. Recto-colon care. That kid represents fiber. Eat lots of fiber, kids. If you don't eat fiber, you won't...get a pony. Or be able to flip off the opposing football squad.

Daily Showering Tip (4/15/05)...

Dandruff is caused by the turnover and renewal of skin cells on the scalp. It becomes a cosmetic problem when shedding of old skin exceeds our ability to remove it, showing up as dry flakes on our collar and clogging our comb or brush. Effective dandruff shampoos can be rather expensive and may provide only temporary relief. A simple and inexpensive cure for dandruff is to dip the scalp in Vaseline twice daily. The Vaseline will prevent dry scalp and will encapsulate flaking dead skin. Problem solved. Your hair will be exceedingly shiny, sloppy and slick, but that's a small price to pay for the embarrassment caused by dandruff.

Daily Showering Tip (4/14/05)...

Most people shower in the morning, but some people shower before bed. There are two schools of thought on the subject. Showering in the evening helps to save time in the morning before work. Just dress and go. Showering in the morning helps to wake you up. It also eliminates any "bed head" and "eye boogers." Plus, it never hurts to thoroughly wash your ass after a full night of farting 'neath the sheets. Hey, isn't that a church song? I think the chorus goes:

Farting 'neath the sheets,
Farting 'neath the sheets,
We shall come rejoicing,
Farting 'neath the sheets.

No wait, that was Bringing in the Sheaves. Nevermind.

What I might name my band if I had one and if I could play an instrument...

Marco Smurf and the Pepper Pirates
Hunt the Wumpus
Sloppy Joe and the Meatballs
The Cool Rockers
Pug Fugly
The Clowntown Stinkstars
Monkey Brewster
Jerk Store
Halliburton Ernie
F'd in the O
Bajingo
Guy Lightning and the Tri-City Dancers
C.H.U.M.P.
Zack Attack
Bass Turd
The Bagscratchers
Operation Underpants
MC Safety and the Caution Crew

Techno-calla-T

I guess none of you realize that Thursday doesn't end until midnight.

Updates postponed...

Updates will occur on Thursday.

Daily Showering Tip (4/11/05)...

Dirt and lint can get trapped under toenails and between toes, so don't forget to wash these areas when showering. If you've got webbed toes like me, you may have to have them surgically separated so that you can properly clean between them.



(Syndactyly website)

Daily Showering Tip (4/10/05)...

SHOWER STAT: 95% of Vietnam veterans agree that hippies should take a damn shower.

Daily Showering Tip (4/9/05)...

SHOWER FACT: According to the Guinness Book of Almost World Records, the second longest shower ever taken was by a group of 5 drunken students at Marist College in 1976. Both the hot water and the beer ran out after two hours. With hypothermia and sobriety looming, the shower was cut off at 4 hours 39 minutes, just 67 hours short of the record. Former student and record-attempt participant Robert Moore recalled, "The next morning, we were all very clean, but I'll tell you, showering does nothing to prevent a hangover. Thanks a lot, Schlitz."

Daily Showering Tip (4/8/05)...

The ASMA (American Shower Manufacturers of America) voted and came up with this as the absolute worst shower toy ever made...ever:



Remarked Chet Limplock of ASMA, "That woman looks like she's having fun, but ya know what? She's not. Inside, she's thinking, 'This has got to be the stupidest piece of crap I've ever seen. Why would anyone want to sing into a sponge microphone?' So basically, if you buy this, you are a loser. Luckily, it only costs...10 DOLLARS!?! WTF! I'll give you two bits for it. And then I'll take the sponge and shove it in your mouth. Can you sing now, jerk? Can you sing with a sponge jammed down your throat?"

Daily Showering Tip (4/7/05)...

In an effort to combat animal cruelty, please try to use shampoos and conditioners that haven't been tested on animals. Most companies will put a conspicuous label on the bottle that indicates no animals were tested during development of the product. Be advised, however, that while a product may not have been tested on animals, some companies will put another label on the INSIDE of the bottle in 3-point Wingding font that says, "In lieu of using animals as test subjects, we have no other choice but to use human subjects. Therefore, by purchasing this product, you agree to participate in a double-blind, double-secret study to determine whether this product causes any problems with vision, reproduction, liver and colon function, abnormal cell growth, hair loss, hair growth, or skin integrity. You also waive any right to take civil or criminal actions in the event of adverse physical or mental effects resulting from the use of this product. Now do you care if a bunny's eyes get a little irritated? Or if a rat gets a tumor?"

Daily Showering Tip (4/6/05)...

Doctors recommend that women check themselves for breast cancer at least once a month. It is best to do this in the shower because the water and soap provide a slippery skin surface, which makes lump detection easier. Simply make quarter-sized circles with one or two fingers over all areas of the breast, including the armpits. If you feel a particularly large lump, this may not be a cyst. It could just be that giant 600cc saline implant you had installed 3 months ago in order to compensate for your poor body image and overall feelings of inadequacy in this male-dominated society.

Daily Showering Tip (4/5/05)...

Steam from the shower can render the bathroom mirror temporarily useless. Running your wet hand across the mirror to clear the fog rarely works very well, and it takes forever to wait for the fog to clear on its own. Since there is really no good solution to this problem, you may as well have some fun with it and play a joke on someone. Try this: Enter a stranger's house, preferably when they aren't home. Head to the bathroom. Using only your index finger, write the words "KILL U BITCH" on the mirror. The words will pretty much be invisible at this point, but that will change later. Leave the house. When the homeowner takes a shower, the steam will fog up the mirror EXCEPT where the natural oils from your finger wrote the words. When the homeowner exits the shower, she'll read the words and all will have a good laugh.

Daily Showering Tip (4/4/04)...

Showers consume up to 37% of the hot water used in a typical home. The other 63% is used by obsessive compulsives who just can't seem to get their hands clean. It's like I know my hands are dirty but no matter how much I scrub and I scrub and I scrub and I scrub the dirt just won't come off and maybe if I just use a little more soap and an SOS pad and more hot water and WHY AREN'T THEY CLEAN!?! Hey, my sock drawer looks a little out of order, why don't I just straighten that up a little, I like right angles - eeeeeeeverything perpendicular. Did I turn off the stove this morning? Let's see, burner #1 is off, #2 is off, #3 is off, wait, let me start over - #1 is off, #2 is off...

Daily Showering Tip (4/3/05)...

Clear shower curtains only serve one purpose - to shield water from splashing all over the bathroom. They do not, repeat DO NOT shield the naked body of the bather. If the Bible has taught you anything, it is to hide your shame at all cost. So you can either be a good Christian and buy a regular shower curtain, or you can be sinner and buy a clear shower curtain. The choice is obvious.

Daily Showering Tip (4/2/05)...

To ensure you completely dry off after a shower, follow the same pattern every time you towel off. I tend to go in this order: hair/head, torso, legs, back, then arms. Last week, I broke the pattern and forgot some parts, which resulted in me walking out of the house with a wet back. Umm...hmm...yeah...Well, it seems that I set myself up there to make a racist joke, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I guess because I'm just not a racist. A racist would have said, "...which resulted in me walking out of the house with a wet back. The neighbors almost called Immigration." Seriously, I'm not a racist and I apologize for even mentioning that joke.

Daily Showering Tip (4/1/05)...

Recommendations that teenagers simply "take a cold shower" when sinful, throbbing sexual urges surface is woefully inadequate to combat teen pregnancy in America. A better solution is, immediately after being born, to surgically remove the wieners and wombs of 50% of randomly selected infants. Or I suppose we could step out of the 1950's and tolerate masturbation as an alternative to teenage sex. Yeah, that's probably better than the mandatory surgical removal of infant reproductive organs. What was I thinking?